I've had this written in my head for the longest time. Probably around three months. I finally put it into actual words weeks ago. I don't know what made me decide to just put it out there, but here it is. Here's my heart on my sleeve, not that you care.

If there's one thing I could have in life, it would be to get over you. To think about you and not hurt anymore.

I drove myself insane trying to get over you this summer. I cried myself to sleep when you told me you didn't love me. A month later when you hinted towards the fact that you did, it tore me apart even more.

And maybe you were lying to me. Maybe you really never loved me. Which is great, because like Callie Torres said, "You didn't love her because you don't destroy the people that you love." And as much as I would like to say otherwise, you have hurt me so much that I can't handle it anymore.

You've never been open about your feelings and neither had I. But I tried. I tried telling you how I felt but you either didn't care or didn't want to get hurt. Whichever it is, I can't believe that I fell for someone that is completely inept to feel anything.

I was a completely different person before you and I'm a completely different person after you. I hate that you've had that effect on me. I hate that you were able to change me into someone I never thought I would be. I hate that you made me want to get married and actually spend the rest of my life with someone. I hate that I wanted it to be you.

I still smile when I think of the day that I was in my coaching class and a text saying, "Hello gorgeous." It just hurts to think about it. It hurts even worse that it was one of the few times that you did anything like that.

I texted my best friend, drunk. The one that knows how bad you are for me. The one that still supports any decision I have regarding you. The text wasn't worded well at all, but I blame the dollar wells. It just ended with me saying I'm not over you.

Everyone keeps saying that I should delete you from everything, but I can't. I know I should but I really just can't. I did for a while, after the break up. Then I just gave up on that idea.

Maybe it's you. Maybe you're the reason that I'm stuck where I am right now. Maybe the fact that it's damn near impossible to get over you is causing me so much trouble. I know that was the problem over the summer.

I just wish I had never caught feelings. That I was as cautious as I was at the beginning of the relationship. I wish this was easier on me and I wish I had never kept talking to you. I wish you never told me you missed me. I wish that I never met you, but you already know that.

I would do anything to get over you, but I'd also do anything to have you back again.