I use to be the girl in my group of friends that was happy to be single. That didn’t really care for a relationship, I didn’t see a point in having a relationship with a guy that was more than friends. I didn’t want the drama or the 12-hour thoughts about if a guy thought I was cute or not. My focus was on my career and how I was getting there.

But then I got a Tinder.

When I made my account I wasn’t really thinking about what I was looking for or why I was making it. So when guys asked I kind of just answered anything. Which led me to do something I’m not 100% proud of. That doesn’t mean I regret it, I put a lot of thought into it. But I just don’t like the before or after effect.

Now I have what if thoughts. And there constant. What if I and this guy went on a date? What if I hooked up with this guy....again? What if this guy actually likes me? What if this? What if that? There annoying, like really annoying. And I wish I didn’t have them.

When I first started swiping left or right it was kind of for fun, just to see how many matches I will get. Then guys started messaging me, I got my occasional dick pic, and the occasional message of if I was “down to fuck” or if I wanted to “trade nudes.” I even had a guy ask me if I would watch him masturbate over FaceTime, I’ve never heard of someone asking that and it was a weird question to ask.

It was funny until it wasn't.

You get so many messages like that it starts to get ridiculous. Some conversations started like they were gonna be more than asking for a hookup but then in the middle they would ask. And others would just be straightforward, the first message would be “u down to fuck.” And I honestly liked those better because I could just not respond and then I wouldn’t have had a conversation that was a waste of time.

What made me annoyed the most was the guys that didn’t even talk to me. Like the whole point of having a tinder is to match with someone and then talk to that match. So why match with someone and never talk to them?

Tinder had me start wishing for a date or a guy that wanted to get to know me. I started wishing that I wasn’t the single friend in my friend group anymore. I wanted to be the girl that had a boyfriend to go on dates with or to cuddle with. But I was also wishing I wasn’t wishing all of that, I was telling myself to stay single.

The constant what if thoughts and wishing I had a boyfriend is not what I want. But I do want to go on dates and have a relationship with a guy.

Before Tinder, I didn’t see dating as my main priority and maybe I still don’t. But at this point, I’m confused on whether I want one or not. I’m sitting here writing this article wondering if a guy is interested in me. But I’m also sitting here writing this article wishing I could rewind time so I hadn’t made that tinder account so I wasn’t sitting here wondering if a guy was interested in me. I want to go back to the happy single girl but I also want to be a happy girl with a boyfriend.