First, let me offer my sincere condolences to you during this difficult time.
It's funny how quickly life can change. One moment, you're living your normal life and in the next, all of that has been ripped away and suddenly, you're confronted with the fact that you're going to have to cross the river. While each person will process news like this in their own way, it's important to remember that you are not alone. Every day, at least six other Quad Citians find themselves in the same position.
Recently, top scientists from the College of Our Lady of Perpetual Construction identified a series of five reactions or "stages," that most people experience when confronted with the realization that they will, in fact, have to get in their car and drive across the river. They are:
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me. I never have to cross the river.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who can I blame for having to cross the river?”
Bargaining: “Dear God, if you convince Susan to choose RIBCO instead of the Olive Garden I will go to church every Sunday forever."
Depression: “I’m too sad to cross the river.”
Acceptance: “Fine. I will drive across the river.”
If you are experiencing any of these emotions following the news that you will have to cross the river, it may help to know that your reaction is absolutely natural. It gets better. You will heal in time.
While it can feel like your life has been transformed by this news, dealing effectively and positively with this news will increase the likelihood of a healthy recovery process and ultimately, allow you to continue living a full and rewarding life.
I have put together some helpful information in the following section to help you process some of the confusing emotions you might have during this time. It's perfectly normal to feel confused or even angry. Remember, it's not just a simple 15-minute car trip, it's a life-altering inconvenience that you should deeply resent and complain about as much as possible.
1. Consider how much you actually like the person you have to go see.
Are they a friend? How good of a friend are they? Have they ever driven across the river to see you? Are they family? How must do you actually like them, anyway? It's always possible to cancel your plans at the last minute in order to avoid crossing the bridge. If it's a once in a lifetime event like a wedding, then you should probably at least make an attempt -- but remember to spend at least half an hour complaining about how difficult your journey was once you arrive to show how much effort went into your trip.
2. Sell your car.
Without a car, no one can insist that you cross the river. In fact, if you're car-less, they will more than likely have to cross the river to see you! Remember, it's always better to inconvenience others rather than cross the river yourself.
3. Turn a negative into a positive!
Do you have to cross the river for a function you're not enthusiastic about attending? Showing up 20 to 30 minutes late and claiming "construction backups" is an irrefutable excuse. Plus, you'll miss out on the obligatory introductions -- and wanting to "avoid traffic" is the perfect reason to bail forty-five minutes early!
4. Resist the Urge to Zipper Merge.
If you must cross the river, then remember to drive as though the bridge is your own personal runway. The recent push to "zipper merge" is nothing more than a power grab by the leftist liberals to spread socialist propaganda and destroy common decency. Remember: you are the most important person on the bridge. Drive like it! Others will notice your powerful decision-making skills in the face of lengthy traffic delays and be very, very impressed.
5. Use this as a lesson to make better friends....on your side of the river.
If you completely isolate yourself from anyone and anything on....that....side of the river, then you can avoid the traumatic experience of driving from one state to another. In time, your friends on the other side of the river will grow to accept that you are probably dead and will stop contacting you. If they don't, then consider taking out a restraining order or taking other appropriate legal action in order to stop them from attempting to get you to cross the river.
6. Take steps to take care of yourself.
When faced with the new that you're going to have to cross the river, it's important to take time for yourself. The stress of having to drive across the bridge can wreak havoc on your emotional and physical well-being.
Try to find ways of expressing your fear and confusion. Write about the moment you were asked to cross the bridge in a journal. Consider painting a picture of what I-74 would look like without traffic cones. Make a scrapbook album celebrating that one time you got all the way across the Arsenal Bridge without a barge stopping you halfway through. Write a letter to the Skybridge saying all the things you never got to say.
And remember that your physical health is just as important as your mental health. When you feel good physically, you'll feel better emotionally. Combat stress by exercising. The Centennial bridge has a beautiful running path!
