I write this article not to seek attention, but to hopefully to show others that they are not alone. I am a junior in college, only 20 years old, and I seem happy most of the time. I always try to have that pep in my step, and make everyone smile. I am always remembered for my loud laugh that can be contagious. On the outside looking in, I look like an incredibly happy person. I have been struggling with depression for a year and a half.

I say a year and a half, because a year and a half ago is when I came forward and sought out help, because I could not get myself out of this hole that I was in. I have been struggling with many of these feelings for much longer than that, and I cannot always explain why. Many will say, "What do you have to be depressed about?" or "You are too young to actually be depressed," or even "You're just going through a phase." Even if it is "just a phase" the feelings I feel, and what I am going through is valid.

There are days where getting out of bed has been a gigantic effort. I know if I don't get up and go to class, I will fail my classes, but that is not motivation enough sometimes. I have to gather up all of the energy I can to just get ready and leave. Then it is a struggle to pay attention. The goal is to write down literally everything that was said so you can read it when you're in a state of mind that actually allows you to learn information. When you have almost no energy to even deal with the day, you will almost never learn anything.

After class, I mosey on back to my room, whether it be in a dorm, or an apartment. Wherever I live at that time and just crawl into bed. I know at this point I need to get up and do things on my list of "to-dos," but with what energy? I just used it all going out in public. I cannot explain to my friends or family what I am feeling, I just say "I'm tired." What are you supposed to say? That you don't feel like you have a purpose in life? That everyone would be better off if you did not exist? That you will never succeed? So, I say, "I'm fine, just tired." This is the truth, but when I lay down to sleep my mind is rushing with all of these doubts and thoughts that I should not have, but do, and I cannot sleep. This makes me even more tired the next day, and it turns into an endless cycle.

The emptiness you feel is the worst. It doesn't matter how many people who you know love you, and are there for you, you feel so alone and empty. I have been surrounded by my friends laughing, and I am smiling along with them, but inside I am screaming, wanting one to realize that I just want to cry and be held until the world fades away. There are so many times I just push people away because I know I am a burden to them. Whether it be my friends/family are annoyed because I have been distant, or they just want to know what's going on, I never told them. I had no idea what to say, or where to start. I felt empty, and lonely, like nobody was ever gonna be there.

I spent countless days letting the feelings and responsibilities pile up into this huge mountain. Each time I did this, it led to a full-on emotional breakdown. I would spend a couple of days crying, and finally start to open up to those around me. Then, after I was starting to finally feel better, I shut back down and suppressed everything for a while. This was a the worst cycle to be in, and each time it tore me down even more. I truly was lost before I reached out for help.

People have compared depression to a weight that holds you down, and it truly is. It is so exhausting to fight it, and you just want to be down and out for the count. You think, and firmly believe, everything is against you. It truly does not matter who is around you, and how many times you are told that it will get better, you genuinely believe that things will not get better. This is the thought of so many people who are battling depression, and it is wrong.

I reached out for help. I got put on a medication that helps me feel "normal." It took a while to find the right dosage, but reaching out for help was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I was so lost, and I did not know what to do. I started talking about how I was feeling with my parents, friends, and other family members. I was so worried they would discard me, but it was just the depression talking. I am now thankful that I reached out. I had encouragement to reach out, and those people who noticed something was off, mean the world to me. Everyone has loved and supported me.

For those struggling, reach out. Get help. Let me tell you though, it is not a quick and easy path. It may take many different medications, or talking to different doctors/therapists. It is a long process getting help and learning how to effectively cope with depression. It is also is not going to be perfect once you are getting better. It does not matter, you will always have low days, and high days. It is a matter of persevering through the hard times.

Mental health is just as important as your physical health. Take care of yourself in every way. You are never alone, and you are going to make it through this. There are many resources around you that are just a google search away. In case you need immediate assistance, please call the number below. Never give up.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255