First off, I want to clarify that suicide is serious. If you or anyone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, seek immediate professional assistance. click here for assistance now.

"So," she began, "have you ever contemplated suicide? And when was the last time you thought about it?"

The mid-morning sun peaked through the windows giving the halls on campus a warm glow. Though I'd never had any official counseling before, I somehow felt comfortable in the counselor's office, it felt almost like I was at home. There were many fidgety toys to mess with in the waiting room, like a ball-and-maze toy and a mbira instrument that I lightly strummed.

I had felt a tremendous amount of stress on my shoulders for the past few weeks, and my personal life plus school work created endless thoughts that hindered me from focusing and being happy. Oddly, thoughts from past relationships and bad decisions haunted my mind, and the due dates for my essays and exams were approaching quicker than time. However, sitting in the waiting room, brought me back down to the ground as I childishly fidgeted with the cute little gadgets in the waiting room.

My counselor, mid-height, slender and frizzy, welcomed me with calm eyes and a simple smile. As I sat in her office I analyzed the energy in the room and anxiously waited to begin talking. What surprised me the most is how much that I had to say about myself. I went on about a traumatic past relationship that wouldn't allow me to function happily in my current relationship, about my fear of being a failure, my regret and guilt about the people I used to hang around, and how in the hell am I suppose to feel like me when all I can do is think and absorb thoughts about other people?

I felt the stress coming up like a stone in my throat. My tears fell out and made my nose begin to turn red. It's like she had pulled the last piece out from the Jenga Blocks and made me fall apart instantly. She took the opportunity and asked me "have you ever contemplated suicide? and when was the last time you thought about it?"

"Yes, I have thought about killing my self, I thought about it last week actually."

At this point, my emotions had made me almost numb to any type of thought process and all my answers were automatic, raw, and honest; I didn't think twice before answering---I was open. "And how do you deal with those thoughts?" she inquired. "Well... I laugh at myself." I kid you not, the reaction on her face was priceless. "Haha, Ok I see", she chuckled as she jotted down some notes. It wasn't until after I said what I did, did I realize what I said. I actually said that I laugh at myself when I think about killing myself.

Now, I have never actually attempted suicide or made plans to, but I have hit low points so low that death is the only peaceful place I could imagine going. But, you would think something so dark, so deep would make me gloomy, but the truth is... I've gotten too familiar with sadness that it no longer affects me like it used to. I've been anxious and nervous throughout the majority of my adolescence. I had a sense of urgency and haste in my heart that has put me in places of panic and dismay.

But, when I heard myself say that I can laugh at my pain, I surprised myself; I was proud of myself. I realized my efforts in becoming the best me possible have paid off..

Through faith, not even death can shake me.