Although I cannot say that you didn't show up, I can fiercely stand by my claim that you did not step up. You filled out all of the right forms and asked all the right questions-- up until you didn't. By doing the minimum, you left me wondering why I was left behind in the dust as I was looking to you for guidance. I waited weeks for you or your department to call and say that you got him; but my phone never rang again after you assured me that you'd do your best. When my phone did ring for that one call, you asked me, "Are you sure that this wasn't just a poor judgment call for him?" I assured you that it wasn't. I told you that a "poor judgment call" would be something like skipping class or cheating on an exam. I assured him that he had known what he was doing, and that if it was a "poor judgment call," it wouldn't have been so long or so much. If it was just a "poor judgment call," I wouldn't have woken up with so many bruises, black spots in my memory and a torn apart spirit.
I never got any notice, any follow-ups or any further questions. Instead, I was left with seeing him pop-up on my Facebook feed as a "suggested friend." Because of you doing the minimum, I can now see that he is doing well in college as an athlete. That was, however, the reason behind your hesitation in going into further action- you didn't want to jeopardize such a successful future. By only showing up, you made me realize why so many people out there are afraid and cautious in reporting "poor judgement calls." I was in the hospital for hours and hours on end being poked, prodded, questioned, photographed and having to relive every minute of it-- only to find that his athletic career had too much potential, and was far more important than my aching and my pain. It was more important than my having to come home to my mother and try to find the right words to string together to tell her why I had been gone for so long. The case was unjustly closed, and I sit here writing this knowing that he has to face no consequence. He had to explain himself to no one, not even himself. And yet I'm forced in explaining to my family and friends why I've suddenly burst into suffocating sobs and shakes. I am rarely able to successfully explain that I now suffer from PTSD, and that sometimes I cannot talk myself down from an episode. I wake up with scratches and bruises leftover from my nightmares where I try to fight him off, since I was unable to fight that night. Because of you, he may now truly believe that all of what he did was okay. Because of you, he may do it again and with the same inexcusable outcome.
However, I am someone who works hard each and every single day to become stronger than I was the day before; even the hour before. I am proud of where I am and how far I have come; but for that, I have only my family, my friends, and myself to thank. I do not have you, or your minimal work and false assurances to thank. Instead, I see your failure in this as motivation to be there the best that I can for whoever I can, myself included. But, again, I do not thank you for that or for any of my victories. Instead, I write this to you and to all who have refused to go any further than the minimum, regardless of the excuses: If you are going to show up, you also have to step up.
And that is all.
Sincerely,
The one you left behind but ended up ahead
