Pain and depression, these are the only things I know. I am not sure how to make things work. I am always at my wits end and angry and fed up with my wife. Then I find out that she feels the same way. We seem to hide our truest feelings to make the other one happy and carry a silence burden. Is that fixable? We both seem so unhappy and fed up with how we treat each other and we want better treatment. Maybe if we only talked it out and spent the time sharing. I mean really sharing everything about ourselves. Maybe we can fix our marriage. I find it's amazing what someone can forgive when you are in love.
I always thought I deserve better than her and that she does not deserve me. That I am such a great man that she could never do any better; which I hate to say is true. I am very forgiving and devoted. She always seemed like she could not care for me; like she expected me to wait on her hand and foot. But now I am not so sure. She is the one that keeps messy up in big ways. But I mess up in my own hubris. I am so convinced that I an angel that I act arrogate and self-righteous. If tonight taught me anything, it taught me that. I never really figured out what makes our relationship work. We seem to always be at odds with each other and fighting about something that is usually stupid. I could never figure out how we work. We just always seem to work, somehow. I always thought the only way to fix things is to blow them up and start again. But I could never get myself to break up with her so we could begin again. We needed to break in order to be made whole.
Lord, take away my anger and replace it with Love.
I hope God is real. Otherwise this life is just not worth living. I hope He is real I believe He is real but now I'm not so sure. It seems God likes to torture me through my wife. Nothing in my life has made me question more about myself than my wife. I kicked a can. Coins spilled out and I bent down to pick them up.
"I am terribly sorry." I said as the grubby, dirty, greasy hands helped me pick up the coins and put them back into the can.
"That's quite alright friend," said a dark, raspy, and gravelly voice. He wore a stained overcoat that was rough and ripped. He smelled like locker room full of shit. His teeth were mostly missing and rotten. His bread was long and sad; white and stained and badly needing a wash. This man was repulsive and gross; laying out by the diner entrance. I must have walked by him once or twice today alone. He looked like he lived out here. "Hey, I know you," he said. I looked him in the eyes and did not recognize anything about him.
"I think you are mistaken."
"No, no, I'm not."
"I guess I have one of those faces then."
"You have been walking out for a while. You passed me to go to the bar, the diner, and the subway. Why are you out so late?"
"I could not sleep." I finished putting the coins and the bills into the can and then I made my on contribution.
"That's mighty kind of ya…" He trailed off, "Most people just walk by me."
"I am sorry to hear that."
"It's a struggle."
"What keeps you out here?"
"Guilt," he said with sadness in his voice. "I used to have it all. I was studying to be a priest when I met the most amazing girl. I really wanted to have sex with her. So I dropped out of the Seminary and shacked up with her. We dated and got engaged. Then she cheated on me, a few months before the wedding. I left her. She made so many apologies and tried really hard to get me back but I was not having any of it. Once and cheater always a cheater; that's how I saw it. I tried going back to the Seminary but I could not do that knowing why I left. I then went back to my girlfriend only I was so bitter that I revenge cheated. Revenge cheating is not I go idea. She thought if I had sex with someone else if would make us even. But I spent time finding someone that I could cheat on her with and my girlfriend was so mad that I put so much time and effort into cheating. I also deliberately cheated and I meant to cheat on her that was my intention. She never intended on cheating it just sort of happened. It was an accident and a mistake. Mine was calculated and deliberate. It's hard to come back from that. So we did not. We ends things when I revenge cheated. Then I lived alone for a while. Until I met a different girl and we were also going to get married. But with my history of be betrayed on. I did not trust her, ever. But over time all that went away and we were in love and in complete trust. Then, I cheated on her. I don't know how it happened or why it happened. It was all so innocent and I never meant for it to happened…" His eyes became fountains as tears were rolling down his face. "I left so guilty. It was not even worth it because of all the pain it was going to cause her. I never saw that girl I cheated with again. I could never tell my girlfriend. I knew she would be mad and upset and that our relationship would be over. I started to drop hints about engagement and how I wanted to marry her. Then my girlfriend proposed to me. I said yes. All the time the guilt and pain was killing me inside. I knew what I did. I never tried to justify it in my head. It was just wrong and I could not take it back."
"We went on wedding planning and growing in commitment and love and the time I hide my shame. Until I told her, she packed up and left. Then she came back and we talked it out and then she left again. I can't say that I blame her. She had every reason to run. But she left and went to a bar…." The tears were drowning him at this point as his voice was cracking and he could not get through his story. "She went out drinking to cope…." He sneezed. "The driver did not see her… he was drunk too…" Out right balling and uncontrollable crying and sobbing as he could not sit still. He was wildly flailing and tears came in a large supply. "It was a hit and run!" He yelled. "She died! She died! Because I cheated!" The homeless man cried and cried. I guess now I know how a cheater feels. The guilt was be the worse burden in the entire world. This man's guilt has kept him on this street corner for God knows how long. He was violently crying and breathing myself with his fists. He was screaming that he deserves this and deserves what his life became because of what he did.
I guess I have done stuff too that I could not live with, before. But nothing as bad as he did. But I guess that's an important lesson for us all. Forgiveness that the Irishman talked about means nothing it we are not willing to forgive ourselves. If we stay bitter and blame ourselves for everything wrong and never realized that we are all sinners then we end up like a dirty homeless man crying inside of sleep. We can never be truly be forgiven by other people until we forgive ourselves. Like the woman who is about to be stoned. Jesus says to her, "Where are your condemners?" and she says, "They all left," then he replies, "Then I do not condemn you, go and sin no more." Wow. No one denies that she did not sin. She committed adultery and no one denied that. But Jesus forgave her, the crowd forgave her, and wonder if she ever forgave herself? They never cover that part. If she never forgave herself then she would have lived a sad and lonely life of this homeless man. If she did then maybe she became a follower of Christ and changed her life. Christ said to, "Sin no more," like okay yes you did that; fine, just do not do it again.
I hope she forgave herself and tried to live a happy life. I hope she did not live a life of never forgiving herself and became like the sad and bitter homeless man. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive in ourselves; we as humans are always trying to compare ourselves to other people and whether or not we are better or worse. It does not matter. You only have to be the best version of yourself that we can be. The only person we have to be better than is the person we were yesterday. I hope the sinner in the Bible forgave herself. I hope the homeless man forgives himself. Sometimes things just happen. That's it. They just happen. How we respond to him makes us who we are. If we forgive ourselves but never forget what we have done; because if we forget we might to that same sin again. But forgive and remember. We remember not to hold guilt over our hearts but we remember the pain so that we NEVER do it again. The homeless man forgave and forgot and then he did it again. If he forgave and remembered he would never have cheated on his second fiancée; because he would have remembered the pain cheating caused.
We all have crosses. Sometimes the crosses are hand to us and we did not ask for them. Sometimes we ask for them when we sin. But we all have them. Every cross is meant to crush us. God gives us Simons and Veronicas to get us through our pain with our cross. I hope my wife forgive herself. I forgive her. God forgives her. She needs to forgive herself. Then we can rebuild. Her cross crushed her. Should I help her pick it up? Or should I leave her? Push her to the side of the road and leave her for dead? I'm not so sure. Her cross is heavy. I'm not sure I am strong enough to help her carry it. I think I am going to try…
Lord help me try….