I had a very interesting experience on my way home from work the other night.
Most days I leave work rather late and walk a few blocks downtown to catch my train. Almost every day at the time I reach my stop, there is a couple standing outside the station’s steps. They are always giggling and smiling before they tenderly kiss each other goodbye and go their separate ways. Every time I see this couple, my heart swells. It’s so beautiful to me to see this small, pure display of love happen so consistently, regardless of whatever may be happening around it.
What makes me most happy about witnessing this, is that nobody has ever stopped the lovers’ exchange due to the fact that they are both men.
It makes me so proud to know that I live in a time and place in which these beautiful happy people are safe to be beautiful and happy as they are. They aren’t putting on a show for anyone. They are just simply being who they are in a private moment on the street, just as any heterosexual couple would, without a care, because they can.
However, the other day as I neared the station, the scene was not quite the same. Two young men appeared, clouding my rose colored glasses as they walked past shaking their heads, exchanging glances, and gesturing toward the couple.
Needing to hear what they had to say, I pretended that I was crossing the street and waited near them at the corner.
“That’s just disgusting man,” I heard one of them mutter. “I don’t need to see that. Do that at home in private.”
“Yea seriously,” his friend grumbled back. “That’s nasty.”
By now the couple had left the scene, and I hoped that they didn’t hear a word of the things I did.
I was absolutely appalled and hurt by what I heard, and I couldn’t help but speak up.
“Does it really bother you that much to see two men kissing?” I asked them.
Man 1: “Yes! It’s disgusting. How can they do that right out where kids could see it?”
Me: “What’s so disgusting about it? Why does it matter if children see it?”
Man 1: “Because it’s gonna give kids a bunch of ideas and make them start asking a bunch of questions.”
Me: “Kids are always asking questions, why would it be so wrong that they ask about that?”
Man 2: “They’re gonna start asking why two guys are kissing, then their parents gotta go explaining it…”
Me: “Ok.. so if a child asked you that, how would you answer?”
By this point, the light had changed and I continued walking in the direction these young men were going. I was interested in hearing why they felt this way, and I was amazed that they hadn’t told me by now to go f*** off.
conversation continued:
Man 2: “I wouldn’t explain nothing. I’d tell them they don’t need to be looking at that, because it’s gross.”
Me: “You don’t believe that you could just say, ‘They’re kissing because they love each other,’ and a child would understand?”
Man 1: “No. kids are always challenging you. They’d ask more questions. You’d feel different about it if you had kids. Do you have kids?”
Me: “No.”
Man 1: “Well if you did, you’d know that it isn’t that easy.”
Me: “Do you love their mother?”
Man 1: “Very much.”
Me: “Well why can’t you explain that they just love each other the way that you and their mother do?”
Man 1: “Because they wouldn’t understand that. If they start seeing men together they’re gonna think that’s okay and normal and they don’t need to be thinking about that.”
Me: “Would you feel different right now if you had just seen a male and female kissing?”
Man 1: “Well I don’t like it, but it’s different when it’s like that because it’s normal and natural. That’s how families are made. That’s not gonna give my kids ideas.”
Me: “It won’t give them any ideas about kissing people in a hetero situation?”
Man 1: “Well yea, but they’re used to seeing that. It’s normal.”
Me: “Are you afraid of your children thinking that being gay is okay?”
Man 1: “Hell yea! I don’t want them to make that choice. Gays are the whole reason for AIDS and they’re way to boastful and show-y of their lifestyle. I don’t trust them.”
Me: “Well anyone can give or obtain the HIV virus. And are you saying you think those men were showing off, just by kissing?”
Man 2: “Of course they were! All the gays are all proud now. It’s terrible, because they are making so many people look at them when there are more important things to worry about.”
Me: “What do you feel they drawing attention from?”
Man 1: “Like, so much money and time has been invested in this ‘gay marriage’ stuff and ‘gay rights’ when people are living on the streets and starving and dying in this country.”
Me: “People have lived on streets and starved and died before because of the fact that they are gay. Or trans. Or anything other than your idea of normal. 49 people died in Orlando just a few months ago because of that. Have you considered that acceptance and inclusion of this community has and will save lives?”
Man 1: “I don’t know about that, man. I just don’t trust them.”
Realizing I wouldn’t change their views that night, and that I had reached the next train station from which I could get home, I thanked them for having a conversation with me and said goodbye.
I am glad that these young men allowed me to speak with them on this subject. I could tell that the entire time, though they completely disagreed with the me, they were never trying to hurt me, nor were they ever being intentionally malicious. They allowed a stranger to walk next to them for ten minutes and voice her feelings, which did make me have some respect for them.
They were only speaking from what they know; voicing the feelings they have formed based on what they have been taught.
These two men were speaking from a perspective that genuinely feels threatened by homosexuality. They are truly afraid of the effects of the liberation and representation of queer people in our culture. They are worried that their children will grow up to choose the LGBTQ+ community, and that this will affect their children’s lives negatively; that being different from “the norm” is dangerous.
This was shocking to me, because it is something I would expect to hear from someone generations above me, rather than just a few years my senior. I knew that these ideas were still being spread around and being passed on to up-and-coming generations, but witnessing this fact first-hand broke my heart.
It will never understand how some people still don’t realize that the only way to make the world safer for future generations is to fix the world, not their children. I want to go back and tell these men some gardening tips. Everyone that has ever successfully grown anything knows that if a plant is not growing, you change the environment. Not the plant. You shouldn’t fear that your children won’t fit in due to facts about them of which they have no choice. You should fear that we will not form a world in which your children fit.
But we will do it. I truly believe that. I believe that one day everyone will be capable of being exactly as they are, and living happily that way. The only way to do it however, is if we keep talking about it. The world will get better if we all keep having these conversations with fear, until it one day changes its ways and turns into love.
