Alright, I know what you’re thinking. How can you, a woman, know how to have the confidence of a mediocre white man? You know, that confidence that baffles us whenever we’re ignored, ghosted, crushed, heartbroken, or even when they let a mall door slam in our face? Yea, that confidence. I’ve been closely studying the male species lately, and ladies, this is my gift to you. You too can have all of the confidence of a mediocre white man if you just follow these 10 simple steps:
1. Learn to talk over people
It doesn’t matter if the person you’re talking to has their own minds, thoughts, or opinions. Yours matter the most! Gun control? You know best. Abortion? You know best. Where do your friends stand on issues? Since they couldn’t possibly know anything about anything, answer for them! They’ll thank you in the long run, I promise.
2. Flirt with anything that walks
Okay, yea, this one is hard if you aren’t used to it. Make sure that you make many people fall in love with you, even though you have no intention of dating them at all. You must keep some people on the shelf for your bouts of self-hatred that inevitably spring up when you temporarily remember that you’re mediocre.
3. Throw hygiene out the window
Take the advice your friend gave you (not to wash your hair every day) one step further! Don’t wash your hair for three weeks! For some reason that is beyond me, some ladies really like it and that means that your boy crush might like it too!
4. Pick something "basic" to hate
If you’re going to have the confidence of a mediocre white man, that means you have to find something “girly” to tear down. Maybe it’s a political argument, or a genre of film, or certain books. Whenever you hear someone mention it, needlessly interject your super mean opinions into the conversation.
5. Learn the art of "ghosting"
Don’t want to deal with your problems? That’s okay. You too can act like a mediocre white man and ghost whoever has an issue with you, or you can just stop answering for fun because your mediocrity is deserving of close selection.
6. Make a questionable cosmetic choice
You know that haircut your ex-crush got last week? Yea, that one. Or the earring your other ex got? Just make a decision on that level of questionable.
7. Declare a major in something artsy
English, music, theater, graphic design, or studio artwork. Bonus points are earned for not actually being any of these majors because taking classes in any of these subjects and determining that you are indeed a blend of Mozart, Camus, and Dali works just fine.
8. Make sure everyone knows your life philosophy
Are you a nihilist? Religious? An existentialist? Make sure to let everyone around you know, and let them know how they’re wrong if they don’t follow the same exact life philosophy to a point.
9. Brazenly declare your feminism
Yet, if the same girls question your behavior, let them know that you’re perfectly aware that you’re a terrible excuse for a man, but you have no intention of changing.
10. Walk around like you own the world
Because you do. Mediocre white men won the lottery. Unfortunately for the rest of us, we just can’t compete.