Arguably the best part of print publications are the sections dedicated to real life embarrassing moments and juicy confessions. I remember tearing through issues of Seventeen magazine and Teen People (omg remember Teen People? We are old...) to find every cringe-worthy moment that others shared. There's a sense of solidarity because we all do dumb things, embarrass ourselves, or have scandalous confessions that we're secretly proud of even though we front like we're not.
In the spirit of nostalgia I've compiled a very 2016 edition to this tradition, an ode to the small victories of our spiteful overreactions. We're in an age where being petty has become an art form, one that we truly love to hate and hate to love. Sometimes we know we're being childish but the satisfaction that comes from petty behavior makes us feel momentarily powerful and badass. With a dash of pride and a pinch of spite, I present to you: Petty Confessions.
“When I’m texting someone and they respond 20 minutes later, I double it and ignore their text for 40 minutes.” -PE
“I don’t like to give him the satisfaction of watching his whole snapchat story so I just view the first one and exit out so he thinks I did it by accident and couldn’t be bothered to view the rest.” -MM
“Sometimes I purposely misspell words and text over dramatic like I’m crying or upset so the person I’m texting feels guilty for hurting me.” -MA
“I update my social media to show I’m active and actively ignoring your message.” -SB
“I had an extremely vivid and explicit dream that my boyfriend ran away with my best friend. I couldn’t talk to them or even look at them for days after and I made them delete each other off of social media.” -LM
Sharing Space With Others
“One time my roommate gave her friend a haircut in our room and didn’t clean up the pile of hair for a week… So I sweeped up the hair and carefully sprinkled it in her bed and her laundry basket of clean clothes.” -SF
“If I’m mad at my roommates for any reason, I put only my dishes in the dish-washer and start it.” -BR
“When I lived with my former roommates I only mopped and cleaned my side of the room because they never cleaned up after themselves. You could see the line of dirt dividing our room, they got mad but I didn’t care.” -ECL
Pettiness in the Workplace
“When customers piss me off at work, I vigorously shake their cans of soda before giving it to them.” -CR
"You know those customers who demand to see the manager after you've explained something to them and the manager ends up telling them the exact same thing? I like to stand behind the manager while she's talking, nod my head and smile... this followed by "Is there anything else I can do for you today? In my sweetest voice. The customers get so pissed off and it gives me great satisfaction." -SF
"When my coworkers eat my food, the next time they leave their food in the fridge I lick it and put it back." -JM