We all know at least one. They’re the people you see cutting someone off or whipping past them in the slow lane. It’s that one finger hanging out the window, or in some cases, it's a whole fist of fingers flying.
Before I get all goofy, please understand that I’m not encouraging this behavior. Aggressive driving is not a good thing. Taking your frustration out on other people on the road is right up there with drinking and driving, or texting and playing Pokemon Go! while driving. It’s dangerous. It’s rude. It’s a great way to end up with a ticket, a totaled car, and a serious injury. I know we all do it, but seriously, don’t do it. Don’t be stupid.
Also note: For every curse word, I’ve inserted the word “Kale”, so my entire article isn’t a bunch of symbols. Enjoy!
1. We Are Talkative
It doesn’t matter if you can hear us or not. If you do something we find annoying, we’re going to scold you with our colorful vocabulary, as if you’re sitting there in the passenger seat. We like to think that we are the only ones who know the proper way to do things.
2. We Like To Use Our Horns
If you’re sitting too long at a light, and we even have the slightest suspicion that you’re not paying attention, we’re honking. If your tire gets anywhere near that dotted white line, we’re honking. If you cut us off, you better kaleing believe we’re honking.
3. We Have A Catchphrase
Every aggressive driver has something they say over and over again when another driver pisses us off. Mine used to be, “What the kale are you doing!?” but now, I’ve changed it to, “Figure out your life." 'Cause seriously, if you can't drive properly, figure out your life.
4. We Tailgate
We’re smart enough to know that we can’t actually push your car without messing up our own. Don’t worry about us, though. We’re really just checking the reflection in your back bumper (or window) to see if we have a headlight out. It’s all good.
5. We Weave
If you’re in our way, we’re going to find a way around you. Blinkers are for kales.
6. We Are Especially Cruel To Out-Of State Drivers
It’s one thing to deal with all these kales in our own state, but then, you get these kales from Pennsylvania, or Delaware, or Virginia, who don’t know how things roll here. Guess what? This is Maryland, and we pass in the right lane, kales.
7. We Are Not Intimidated By State Troopers
Marylanders have lead feet, and as far as us more aggressive ones go, we just want to get away from all these kaleing idiots. If there’s an officer taking radar, we’re smart enough to know that hitting our breaks won’t prevent us from being pulled over if we're already speeding too much, so can you stop kaleing hitting your breaks every time you see a kaleing cop!?
8. We Despise People Who Go The Speed Limit
It doesn’t matter if you’re an eighty-year-old in a Lincoln Continental or a sixteen-year-old in a student driver vehicle. If you so much as go a single mph under the speed limit, we’re going to tailgate the kale out of you.
9. We All Have That One Road We Dread Driving On More Than Others
There are too many roads in Maryland to hate them all, so we usually have just one that we can’t stand. For some, it’s Rt. 50/301, which crosses the Bay Bridge. For others, it’s 1-495, the loop around DC. For a few of us, it’s just that one highway with too many traffic lights that we have to take to get to work every day. It makes us want to pull our hair out.
10. We Are Hypocrites
Maryland’s aggressive drivers are usually the worst drivers on the road. We're constantly practicing our dangerous habits. At the same time, when we see people doing the things we do, we look at them, shake our heads, and say, “What a Kale."
