There are few things that scare me more than American shopping culture. If you mosey over to blackfridaydeathcount.com, you happen upon a countdown clock of deaths and injuries resulting from Black Friday festivities. If you scroll on down out of curiosity then you'll see the cause of each death and which year it happened. Even though it only goes back to 2006, they're sitting in at a whopping 7 deaths and 98 injuries. That enough would seemingly be enough to keep me out of areas dedicated to extreme shopping, but no! Here are some thoughts about my 10 hour trip yesterday to the Mall of America.
1. It Is A Time Warp
Yes, you read 10 hours correctly. We scoffed the night before when my friends' grandmother ball-parked six hours.
"Six hours? No way. Maybe four."
This is a formal apology to grandma for our attitudes. She knew when no one else did.
2. Outdoor Amusement Parks Should Be Illegal
Take if from a Georgia native. I spent my young life sweating like a whore in church at Six Flags every summer, paying $3.50 per flimsy plastic cup after standing in a single line for an hour at every turn. This indoor amusement park let me go until I dropped (almost literally). There is no sweat, so when the annoying children who are unaware of the social sanctity of good manners are gaping at you open-mouthed, you're not cranky enough to snap.
3. Are the plants real?
You bet they're real. And they're surviving off of CO2 and the evaporated sweat of America's most dedicated shoppers.
4. There Are Over 50 Restaurants To Choose From
Yet I still went to Bubba Gump Shrimp and ordered a boring burger and fries. Because I'm adventurous.
5. Probably Don't Get A Burger And Fries
When I've been at the brink of vomiting after riding these freaking roller coasters and overload on an old fashioned plate of grease to start off a 10 hour capitalist hike...I've done myself a serious wrong.
6. Might As Well Go To A Meet And Greet
I bet when Justin Bieber was just getting started he did plenty of mall meet and greets. Therefore, when we saw some cutie was doing a meet and greet at the rotunda we thought "might as well" and went to go see what all the hullabaloo was about. Turns out, this dashing young man, Jordan Fisher, can sing a note higher than dogs can hear and melt the cold center of my heart. His loyal fanbase of tween girls got to the mall at 6 a.m. for a 4 p.m. meet and greet. I only dream of that kind of dedication. I'm also going to do him a solid and shamelessly plug that he has a new EP coming out sometime this week (you know, meet and greet information, pretty exclusive).
7. Four Whole Stories...So Little Time
10 hours and we pretty much only touched two floors. And truly, we didn't understand the depth of the place until we got back to where we started and realized we had spent nearly five hours only on the first floor.
8. There Are Over 520 Shops
Places I didn't even know existed. Places that hypnotize you only because you're breathing in air charged with consumerist culture. Did I spend 10 minutes inside a paper store? You bet I did.
9. Guess What? It's Tax-Free
You heard me correctly. Once I hear those two beautiful words my inhibitions are gone. I forget that I don't need everything just because there is no tax. Whenever I don't get something I actually feel bad that I didn't get it. I think of all of my loved ones and how they are currently buying an apple at the grocery store for more than asking price because of the curse of tax. How could I forsake them by not utilizing this?
10. Don't Underestimate The Perkiness Of Minnesotans
Nothing sucks the life and humanity out of me faster than a shopping mall. And mall workers? I genuinely don't know how they deal with the bottom-of-the-barrel people who barge in with their expired coupons and sense of entitlement with the sole purpose of making some mall workers cry, but these Minnesotans working their eight-hour shifts were nicer than I have ever been on a good day. I don't muster up a smile after a 10 hour day regardless, but these people forced it out of me. The Midwestern politeness is more than I ever estimated.
11. Despite Dangerous Weather, Nothing Could Have Kept Me There Another Minute
As we decided it was time to breathe some fresh air, we checked our phones to see that there were flash flood warnings and severe weather warnings telling everyone to stay off the roads. A unanimous decision was made to put our lives on the line so that we wouldn't have to endure another moment of impulse buys.
Looking back, it was a lucrative experience. I learned a lot about myself and others. Given the opportunity to go back, I might even take it. But what I really learned is the value of extreme couponing and how I'm going to take it up.
