I Know The World Will Never View You As A Rapist But Damn, You Deserve That Title
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

I Know The World Will Never View You As A Rapist But Damn, You Deserve That Title

I know I should start calling my sexual assault experience rape, but the word feels foreign in my mouth.

PJ Minier

I'm still not sure what to call my experience with you. When I was 14/15, we did everything you wanted, except intercourse. We never had the time for sex, but if we did, I'm sure you would've gotten your way. I read online that statutory rape includes blowjobs and finger intercourse. So, that means even if I did consent at that age, you raped me. But, I still can't say it.

How about that time, almost a year into our relationship, when we were about to have sex and I asked you to stop. I was scared and didn't want to continue. I said these exact words, "No, I'm not ready today." You said, "Why not?" and forced yourself inside of me. I froze with terror and you pulled out and left in anger and disappointment. Was that rape?

Afterward, I found you upset at what you had done and I comforted you. I comforted you about the fact that you forced your way inside me. It should have been the other way around. Better yet, it shouldn't have ever happened.

I have to admit that you did something wrong to me because now I am suffering. I am plagued by nightmares if you can call them that. It's not what you think. I don't constantly dream of you raping me; although, I have. The more common, terrifying nightmares are just you. Not assaulting me or hurting me, just you in my day to day life. I wake from the nightmares in a cold sweat, because the idea of ever seeing you again is horrifying.

I can't remember the last time I had a full nights sleep.

I started noticing other issues during my time with you. I hate being touched without notice or consent, especially from men. I flinch when a man raises his voice or leans in to touch me. I now hate crowds, because it's constant foreign bumping and touching. I jump at loud noises, which everyone finds amusing, but no one realizes it's PTSD. I didn't even realize it wasn't until my therapist pointed it out.

I am suffering from PTSD.

Which confirms what you did to me. You sexually assaulted me. You raped me. But I still can't say it out loud. If I do, it becomes real. I have to come to terms with being raped. I have to come to terms with dating my rapist. And, somehow, that is so much harder than admitting I was assaulted.

It was my best friend, Sierra, who even got me to admit that I was assaulted. She was the first to make the realization after I opened up to her. She even told me of times you tried to turn her against me. I was so unaware of how much you actually did to ruin my mental health.

But, now I need to admit I was raped. I suppose this article is the first step. Writing about it has become easier with each word and each article. Maybe one day, I'll be able to say I am a victim of rape. Admitting you're a victim of anything is never easy.

Maybe one day, I'll be able to call you my rapist, not my assailant and not just my ex-boyfriend. I know the world will never view you as a rapist, but damn, you deserve that title. You didn't date me. You didn't assault me. You raped me and took my virginity along with so many other things that I don't know if I'll ever get back.

You're a rapist. I hope you can live with that.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Kinder Self - Eyes

You're Your Own Best Friend

Kinder Self - Eyes

It's fun to see all of the selfies on social media, they are everywhere. I see pictures with pouty lips, duck lips and pucker lips. I see smokey eyes, huge fake lashes and nicely done nose jobs, boob jobs and butt lifts. Women working out in spandex, tiny tops and flip flops. I see tight abs and firm butts, manicured nails and toes, up dos and flowing hair. "Wow", I think to myself," I could apply tons of make-up, spend an hour on my hair, pose all day and not look like that. Maybe I need a longer stick!"

Keep Reading...Show less

Rap Songs With A Deeper Meaning

Rap is more than the F-bomb and a beat. Read what artists like Fetty, Schoolboy Q, Drake, and 2Pac can teach you.

Rap artist delivers performance on stage
Photo by Chase Fade on Unsplash

On the surface, rap songs may carry a surface perception of negativity. However, exploring their lyrics reveals profound hidden depth.Despite occasional profanity, it's crucial to look beyond it. Rap transcends mere wordplay; these 25 song lyrics impart valuable life lessons, offering insights that extend beyond the conventional perception of rap music.

Keep Reading...Show less

21 Drinks For Your 21st Birthday

Maybe don't try them all in one day...

21 Drinks For Your 21st Birthday

My 21st birthday is finally almost here. In honor of finally turning 21, I thought I'd share 21 fun drinks since it's finally legal for me to drink them.

Some of these drinks are basic, but some of them are a little more interesting. I thought they all looked pretty good and worth trying, so choose your favorites to enjoy at your big birthday bash!

Keep Reading...Show less

Ancient Roman Kings: 7 Leaders of Early Rome

The names and dates of the reigns of the first four kings, as well as the alternation of Sabin and Latin names, are more legendary than historical. The last three kings, of Etruscan origin, have an existence which seems less uncertain.

inside ancient roman building
Photo by Chad Greiter on Unsplash

It is evident that all this is only a legend although archeology shows us little by little that these kings if they did not exist as the ancient history, describes them, have at least in the very Outlines were real as chief of a shepherd’s tribe. The period when kings ruled Rome could estimate at 245 years.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Love Lost

Being the girl that is falling for the boy is never easy.

Love Lost

You constantly text my phone telling me that you want to see me and hang out, even though we may not have sex we cuddle and that’s intimacy in its own. I’m tired of buying you food and being there for you like a girlfriend when you consistently tell me you aren't ready for a girlfriend. I am constantly feeling I’m getting slapped in the face because I’m doing all these things and getting nothing in return. Every day I feel myself liking you more which is just crazy because why would I even waste my time liking someone there isn’t a future with. I just want you to be honest with me and with yourself, tell me how you feel from your heart, stop just saying you aren’t ready. You are wasting time telling me you aren’t ready because while you are “getting ready” some guy somewhere else is telling me that he likes me and thinks I’m beautiful and wants to date me. I’m not asking for much, but I at least want exclusivity because you ask me for all these things but in return you give me nothing.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments