I'm still not sure what to call my experience with you. When I was 14/15, we did everything you wanted, except intercourse. We never had the time for sex, but if we did, I'm sure you would've gotten your way. I read online that statutory rape includes blowjobs and finger intercourse. So, that means even if I did consent at that age, you raped me. But, I still can't say it.
How about that time, almost a year into our relationship, when we were about to have sex and I asked you to stop. I was scared and didn't want to continue. I said these exact words, "No, I'm not ready today." You said, "Why not?" and forced yourself inside of me. I froze with terror and you pulled out and left in anger and disappointment. Was that rape?
Afterward, I found you upset at what you had done and I comforted you. I comforted you about the fact that you forced your way inside me. It should have been the other way around. Better yet, it shouldn't have ever happened.
I have to admit that you did something wrong to me because now I am suffering. I am plagued by nightmares if you can call them that. It's not what you think. I don't constantly dream of you raping me; although, I have. The more common, terrifying nightmares are just you. Not assaulting me or hurting me, just you in my day to day life. I wake from the nightmares in a cold sweat, because the idea of ever seeing you again is horrifying.
I can't remember the last time I had a full nights sleep.
I started noticing other issues during my time with you. I hate being touched without notice or consent, especially from men. I flinch when a man raises his voice or leans in to touch me. I now hate crowds, because it's constant foreign bumping and touching. I jump at loud noises, which everyone finds amusing, but no one realizes it's PTSD. I didn't even realize it wasn't until my therapist pointed it out.
I am suffering from PTSD.
Which confirms what you did to me. You sexually assaulted me. You raped me. But I still can't say it out loud. If I do, it becomes real. I have to come to terms with being raped. I have to come to terms with dating my rapist. And, somehow, that is so much harder than admitting I was assaulted.
It was my best friend, Sierra, who even got me to admit that I was assaulted. She was the first to make the realization after I opened up to her. She even told me of times you tried to turn her against me. I was so unaware of how much you actually did to ruin my mental health.
But, now I need to admit I was raped. I suppose this article is the first step. Writing about it has become easier with each word and each article. Maybe one day, I'll be able to say I am a victim of rape. Admitting you're a victim of anything is never easy.
Maybe one day, I'll be able to call you my rapist, not my assailant and not just my ex-boyfriend. I know the world will never view you as a rapist, but damn, you deserve that title. You didn't date me. You didn't assault me. You raped me and took my virginity along with so many other things that I don't know if I'll ever get back.
You're a rapist. I hope you can live with that.