There is no shortage of stigmas surrounding bisexuality in our culture today and I think the saddest part about that is that young people everywhere struggling with their sexuality are having an even harder time figuring themselves out because they’re being taught that bisexuality “isn’t real.” I knew I liked girls when I was 12 years old, but I wasn’t able to accept that about myself until I was 18 years old because all of the stigmas around what it meant to be a girl who liked girls and boys.

Throughout middle and high school, the girls that I had crushes on were my friends, so I told myself that it was normal for friends to like each other and kiss each other. I told myself my feelings didn’t mean anything, that since I was attracted to boys, I was obviously straight. I had heard the term bisexual before but didn’t really know what it meant, so I didn’t give it much thought. I told myself that I wasn’t really interested in girls, there was just something special about the ones I was attracted to. I also went through a time where I explained away my feelings as “experimenting” and “curiosity.” I bought into any explanation for how I was feeling other than “I’m bisexual.”

When I finally started to consider the idea that maybe I was bisexual, I experienced a lot of fear. Everything I was reading about bisexuality online was incredibly negative, such as bisexual girls were actually just sex crazed and were looking to have sex with anyone who was willing. I knew that wasn’t true about myself so I shied away from the topic again, continuing to find more reasons to explain away my feelings.

During my freshman year of college, the topic of my sexuality continued to weigh more and more heavily on me. I was in a happy relationship with a guy, but I was still confused about and preoccupied with why I felt the way I did about girls. I finally opened up to a friend of mine about it after she expressed to me that she experienced sexual attraction to women. Her response was so simple but so revolutionary to me; she said, “Ailey, if you think you might like girls, you probably do.” It was a lightbulb moment. I realized that I wouldn’t be having these feelings if I wasn’t attracted to girls. Her comment also helped me realize that my problem was never “am I attracted to women?” My problem was “what does it mean that I have these feelings about girls?” Immediately after talking to my friend and coming to the realization that I liked girls and boys, this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders that I didn’t even realize I had been carrying around. I finally accepted the term “bisexual” and started coming out to my friends.

Unfortunately, not everyone has reacted positively to my revelation. Some of my more traditional family has told me that it’s just a phase (it would be a 9-year long phase at this point). Some girls I’ve been interested in have told me I’m not gay enough for them, that somehow being bi means I’m more likely to cheat on them with a man. I’m often greeted with the “well, you don’t look gay!” stereotype, as though somehow looking traditionally feminine means I can’t be bisexual. One of the most frustrating and yet most frequent responses I get is, “wait, does that mean you date girls and boys at the same time?” I want to clarify that bisexuality is not synonymous with polyamory. Polyamory is defined by Google as “the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.” Polyamory means dating more than one person at the same time. Though bisexuality means different things to different people, the general definition is romantic and sexual attraction to both the same and opposite gender.

If you’ve ever struggled with your sexuality and think that you may experience attraction to more than one gender, I don’t want you to be scared or confused. I know that since it isn’t often talked about, bisexuality can feel like an alien subject, something to avoid and be afraid of. But I promise, being bi isn’t a bad thing! It just means you have a bigger capacity for love. It just means that you love people for who they are, not what’s hanging out below their belts. If you think you might be bi, don’t run from it. Let yourself be happy and explore it. I can tell you from experience, you’ll be much happier if you accept it.