For me, college started off on an interesting note. I was put straight on probation before it even started for the dumb decision of drinking at orientation the day before everyone moved in. As you can see, my head wasn’t completely in the game. It wasn’t until a few days ago. The first week of school was something of a blur. Literally. I went out everyday for almost two weeks thinking “I’m in college now, I can go out whenever, do whatever I want, not have a care in the world.” As you probably guessed, I was wrong. And yet I still spent the first couple months of college dicking off, doing things I probably shouldn’t have done, not focusing on schoolwork, etc, etc.

And then a few days ago, I sat on my bed for three hours trying to write a paper, making no progress whatsoever, and losing my mind. I guess you can say I kind of had a mental breakdown. The stress I’d been putting off for the last two months hit me all at once, and I just lost it. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t keep it together, couldn’t breathe. All I wanted to do was hit something. And then my roommate brought our RA into the situation and he told me to get my shit together and write the damn paper. He said he’d be coming back at one am to check in on me and see what I’d done. I knew I HAD to have something when he came back, so I took a deep breathe, calmed myself down, and actually got to work. And when he did come back in an hour, I actually had something done, which was more than anything I’d accomplished in the past week. I was the queen of procrastination.

That’s when it hit me-what the hell had I been doing with myself since I started college? I looked back and could only compose lists of L’s (losses) and mistakes. And I’d made a lot. How I’d wasted so much time, I have no idea. What had I even been doing? Let me break it down. I’d been going downtown almost every weekend to frat parties, and on the weekdays, I’d been getting fucked up with my friends in the dorms. I’d been going to bed no earlier then two or three o’clock in the morning every night, and I’d been sleeping in till noon and skipping classes. I’d been wasting my money on clothes and food and illegal things I probably shouldn't state. I’d manage to screw up a lot of my friendships one way or another and lost some people I really cared about along the way. I’d hooked up with so many guys, theres no way I could even name them or point them out if I saw them on the street.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, what the hell is wrong with her? Well that’s what I’ve been thinking lately too. I recently did a ton of things I’m not proud of and they sent me in a downward spiral for a few days. All I could think at that time was what the fuck was wrong with me. I hated myself, the choices I’d made, the mistakes that were all my fault. I’d lost all dignity and respect I had. And then came the paper-it was all too much.

But during this time, my roommate was there for me, and she actually gave me a lot good advice. There’s something in particular she said that’s stuck out to me. She said “Turn your losses into learns”. Up here in Albany the term “Loss” or more commonly known as an “L” is thrown around a lot. I myself use it all the time, since as I said above, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and taken a lot of losses. When she told me to turn them into learns I basically told her to fuck off. I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to be miserable and sulk in my own self pity. And so she let me, and for days we sat there complaining about our lives and pointing out everything that sucked about them. And it was actually a lot of fun-everything we saw as pathetic became an inside joke-and we spent the entirety of the time laughing.

Needless to say, I got over myself and my stupid first world problems. And guess what-I wrote the damn paper. It’s not amazing or anything but it’s something. It’s more than I had before. It’s improvement. And right now, improvement is exactly what I need. I now know what I need to do-I need to get my shit together, get my life together. I need to turn my losses into learns. I need to focus on myself, on my future.

That’s not to say I’m not going to have any fun anymore. I’m still going to go out, go downtown, hang out with my friends, and you know what, I’m probably going to still make mistakes. But I’m going to be more aware of myself and what I’m doing. I’m going to think about things before I do them, and not be so impulsive and think about the consequences. I’m done doing things I’m not proud of and I’m done feeling sorry for myself because of them.

So here I am, actually getting work done, ready to pay attention in all my classes, ready to do well, to succeed. It may be too late to come out on top first semester, but second semester I’m ready to kick ass in. I’m almost off probation at this point too, and I think getting that weight off my shoulder is going to be even more of an eye opener for me. I’m also focusing on myself now. I’m realizing who’s really there for me and who isn’t. Who I want in my life and who I don’t. What’s best for myself as a person, for my studies, for my future.

College is a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I’m ready to accept it’s challenges and to move on with my life. I’m ready to turn my losses into learns.