College Horror Story: LSU Squirrels

College Horror Story: LSU Squirrels

Step aside failure, you are no longer the scariest thing about college.
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LSU is known for many great (and not so great) qualities: an amazing stadium, having a live tiger on campus, fans that smell like corn dogs, etc. However, there is one terrifying quality I would like to focus on: the campus squirrels.

These are not your happy-go-lucky-Sandy-Cheeks-type squirrels. No, these mofos are ruthless.

These squirrels are a hybrid between normal squirrels and satan. I'm pretty sure most colleges also have this epidemic of a demonic squirrel species that terrorizes their campuses, not just LSU. They're so aggressive and large, they could easily make the football team. It honestly seems impossible how to describe their significance, it is just something you have to experience for yourself to understand, but here are some points of what makes LSU's squirrels so terrifying:

Actual footage of me trying to get to class. ^

1. They come out of nowhere

These beasts really do take advantage of the surprise attack. One second you're on your way to Biology, and the next, you're being attacked by a hamster with rabies.

2. Squirrel does what squirrel wants

College is a squirrel world and we're just living in it.

3. They are fearless

They honestly give no f*cks. We are inferior species.

4. They are oddly large and muscular

I swear the next MMA fight is going to be between two college campus squirrels.

5. They live like kings

I know helpless victims who have had their food stolen right out of their hands by these merciless creatures. By allowing them to terrorize us, we are only helping them to grow stronger.

6. Their impressive (alarming) speed

You'd swear these things were running late to a final or something.

7. Their intense eye contact

I am JD and the squirrel is The Janitor. The number of times a squirrel has made me feel uncomfortable because of its unwavering glare is, sadly, a lot.

8. They are rapidly multiplying

Soon, they will outnumber us and, eventually, take over. All we can do now is prepare.

9. Their ability to look cute, but are actually vicious rodents

OK, so maybe "vicious rodents" was a bit harsh, but you get the point.
Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Let's Talk More About Lori Laughlin Facing Up To 20 Years In Prison When Brock Turner Got 6 Months

And he was released three months early for 'good behavior'... after sexually assaulting an unconscious girl behind a dumpster.

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To start, Lori Laughlin messed up royally, and I don't condone her actions.

If you live under a rock and are unaware of what happened to the "Full House" star, here's the tea:

Lori Laughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli — and like 50 other celebrity parents — were found guilty of conspiracy to commit fraud, and paid a $1 million bail on conspiracy to commit mail fraud, and honest services fraud. You don't need to know what these mean except that she paid $500,000 to get her two daughters, Bella and Olivia Jade Giannulli.

I know you're wondering why they did it — tbh I am too — however, these parents paid the University of Southern California to give admission to her daughters in through the rowing team on campus, despite neither one of them actually playing the sport ever in their life.

Yeah, Aunt Becky messed up and should face punishment, but why is she facing up 20 years when men like Brock Turner are sentenced only six months for raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster at Stanford?

I hate to bring up the gender card, but I'm pulling it: Why is Lori Laughlin — a woman who with bad judgement who used money to give an upper-hand to her entitled daughters — face more prison time than a man who willingly raped a woman who wasn't in a right state of mine (or any at all!) behind a dumpster of all places.

The answer? Because the system is a mess.

Yeah, Aunt Becky paid for her daughters to get into a school, giving disadvantages to students actually deserving and wanting to attend a college. Her act was immoral, and ultimately selfish, but it doesn't even compare to what Brock Turner did, and it doesn't even effect others as much his rape survivor.

The most that will happen to the Giannulli girls is an expulsion and a temporary poor reputation, however, Emily Doe (the alias of the survivor) will feel the consequences of the attack forever.

There should have been a switch:

Lori Laughlin and the Target guy should have had to pay other students tuition/student debt while facing prison time, while Brock Turner should have had to face over 20 years with more consequences.

But, that'll never happen because our system sucks and society is rigged. I guess our society would prefer a rapist walking around more so a woman who made a poor choice by paying for her daughters to go to a college.

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After Meeting With My Academic Adviser, I Feel Like Even More Of A Failure

Let me just tell you, I didn't come out of my advising meeting feeling like I had a hopeful future.

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Let me paint the picture for you — I'm sure so many of my fellow peers can see in their heads: my adviser is typing down all the possible classes I could sign up for the fall semester, while I sit to the left of him to look at the screen. He starts telling me that everything is up in the air in terms of completing my degree. As I held my tears back, I wondered why am I such a failure?

Every college student has been in the scenario, so I am far from the norm. We all have sat down with an adviser just to listen them inform us that everything we have been doing wrong for the whole semester. Advisers speak in that unsure tone when you discuss with them which classes they could possibly take — it's gut-wrenching. You just want to bawl your eyes out because you have been under a high level of stress for trying to be the "best student" you can possibly be. The situation frustrates you to the point that you want to scream at your adviser. All you want is for someone to give you hope for the future, not another person who will tear you down and strip you of the last pieces of dignity that you have.

In my case, hearing the words, "It might take you three more years to graduate," was a bullet straight to my heart.

So many questions ran through my mind. Am I even smart enough to continue pursuing a degree? If I do, will I be successful after I graduate?

Of course, there was so much more to the meeting. But, hearing someone tell you that you will not graduate on time is the epitome of feeling like a failure. I know I will no longer be conforming to the "four-year model" of a regular college student. Aside from feeling as if I've failed myself, the situation has also caused me to distance myself from my parents because I worry that I will let the unfortunate new slip out — I'm sure they will come across this article.

With all of this in mind, it has been very hard to not want to just drop everything and stay in bed all day. Nothing would be more comforting than to just lay in bed all day and forget about the stresses of college. Luckily, meeting with another adviser — someone who knew what she was talking about — helped me set a solid plan in motion, giving me some hope that I will graduate within a reasonable time frame.

Fingers crossed!

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