Freshman Year As Described By John Mulaney
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This Is What Your Freshman Year Of College Will Be, As Transcribed By English Major John Mulaney

"In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin."

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This Is What Your Freshman Year Of College Will Be, As Transcribed By English Major John Mulaney
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Gracing the world with his presence on August 26, 1982, John Edmund Mulaney has taken the world by storm through his extremely relatable, at times awkward, standup comedy. And a lot of the time, I can't help but sit there and relate to his self-deprecating, hilariously truthful jokes.

So, here are 9 John Mulaney quotes that accurately and hilariously describe freshman year of college.

1. On finally becoming an "adult":

It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up.

2. On new-found struggles:

I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

3. When your very first round of midterms comes along:

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

4. When you take your very first midterm, and it didn't go quite as planned:

If it's one of those true or false questions, you should be able to add a third option which is, "Who's to say?"

5. On studying for your first round of dreaded final exams:

You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

6. On learning how to participate:

College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, "I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian." And they're like, "Partial credit." And that's a whole thing.

7. On procrastination:

Percentage wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them—especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

8. On dealing with your new lack of sleep:

College [is] like a four-year game show called "Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?"

9. On finally getting the hang of things, despite still occasionally messing up:

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

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