When you were growing up, did you ever think about what you wanted to be? Like most children, I would assume the answer is yes, and if not, then congratulations, you are weird. Anyway, most children want to be astronauts, doctors, famous athletes and so forth. Apparently, there are some kids that when they think about what they want to do in their future, their answer is, “to ruin the lives of millions of people.” If you do not know what job I am referring to, it's being a clown.

Clowns are a**holes. In my personal experience, I have not seen one person be like, “Hey, you know what would make this party even more kick ass? A CLOWN! I am sure he can make us laugh and we will all be having fun.” If anyone has ever said this, I wish that they be admitted to the nearest psychiatric institution for immediate evaluation. Clowns are what the Devil himself thinks is funny.

I can't think of any reference where a clown can be seen as good. Let’s start with the incredibly crappy movie, “Killer Klowns from Outer Space.” This movie was released in 1988, and like every clown movie to ever be made, it sucked. Since it was crappy, you know damn well that Blockbuster had it on its shelves. Since I grew up in the 1990s, I went to Blockbuster at least three times a month—if not more—to select a worthless movie to watch as my siblings and I gorged on some pizza pillows (I am referring to Totino’s Pizza Rolls for all of you idiots who don’t think they look like pillows). Anyway, this movie was particularly shoddy because it was the first movie I had seen with clowns, and yes, they were portrayed as alien clowns that went on a murder spree. Sounds funny and happy, right? No. These clowns went through the town with acid pies and slaughtered innocent people.

Another example of clowns sucking is in the original “Air Bud” movie. You all know what I am talking about (If not, go outside and get a life). This movie shows the leading antagonist, Norm Snively, as a clown. He is shown as being an abusive and alcoholic clown (which I am 99.9 percent sure is true with every clown). The dog in the film is better than LeBron James (which isn't that hard. I am pretty sure my second grade GABL League basketball stats are better than his). The clown tries to end the canine’s basketball career by taking him back to the dog pound. This just goes to show that clowns hate dogs, and they also hate basketball.

I could make a reference to Heath Ledger’s portrayal of a clown, but that would just be insensitive, and I am not an insensitive person. Also, it’d be way too soon.

Another experience I have had with clowns is when I went to Worlds of Fun a few years ago. I went during their Halloween Haunt event. During the event, numerous people are spread throughout the park in “scary” costumes like psychotic scarecrows and werewolves. They have this tent that is basically a madhouse of clowns. They are riding on little tricycles and walking around. I have never wanted to hit anyone more in my life while walking through that tent. My fists were already clenched ready to strike one of those dumb-faced clowns.

The last example I will give you of clowns sucking is Pogo the Clown. This lovely human being is also known by the name of John Wayne Gacy (no relevancy to the crappy Western-movie star). This jabroni was a rapist and serial killer, and he worked several children’s birthday parties, parades and fundraising events. He buried his victims in a crawl space under his house. Thankfully, this “creature” of a human being was sentenced to death on March 13, 1980. Fun fact: He died by lethal injection on May 10, 1994.

What I am getting at here in this article is that if there was a clown in the same room as Dracula, Stalin and Hitler, I would punch the clown first, second and third. By the way, they dress up they are just asking to get hit. No one has ever been like, “Hey, I like to make children laugh. I will dress up in make-up and look like a crackhead geisha”.

So what's the bottom-line here? If you ever see a clown, just run away. I am pretty sure they are like the monsters under your bed. If you don’t acknowledge them, then they will just slowly disappear. Here is a tip for all of you soon to be parents: do not, under any circumstance, let your kid go to school to become a clown. Clown college is a joke. HA HA HA.