Hey Brendon, just wanted to say a couple things.

First of all, I will be real mad if anyone else reads this letter. If anyone dares to break this sacred seal, there will be hell to pay.

I figured this was easier than buying envelopes, buying stamps, walking across the street to the post office, and then having to walk BACK across the street. Sometimes the elevator takes like 30 seconds to reach my floor and I just don't have that kind of time. A little ridiculous if you ask me.

I would like to repeat again that if your name is not Brendon Pearlman, you are entering illegal territory. At no point did I say you had any right to read these words.

Plus I haven't really figured out how to actually close the envelope. Do you really lick the paper? Because that seems kind of strange and I'm not sure why anyone would willingly do that.

I tried to email this to you but I lost all the passwords to my 5 different email accounts. I really don't know how that could've happened. You think eventually I would have guessed the right password to at least one of them, right? I guess that's the downside to creating passwords based on the first object you see when typing them. I could've sworn "PaperTowelHolder123" would work on one of them but nothing.

BEWARE! IF YOU ARE NOT BRENDON PEARLMAN, TURN BACK NOW OR I WILL ALERT THE AUTHORITIES! I AM CONSTANTLY REFRESHING THE VIEWS THIS LETTER HAS! I WILL FIND YOU!

I would've texted you but I dropped my iPhone in the Charles while fly-fishing (BEWARE, POLICE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO READ THIS LETTER! IF YOU CHARGE ME FOR ILLEGAL FLY-FISHING, I WILL SUE FOR ILLEGALLY BREAKING AND ENTERING INTO MY LETTERS!). I rescued the phone and ran to put it in rice to dry it out but the closest rice was Amelia's and I just kept eating the rice. I would shove the phone in the rice and then accidentally eat it and have to get more rice. I spent 200 dollars on rice and it is safe to say that the phone is definitely broken.

I'm currently using my estranged uncle's computer to send this important message across the only means of communicating I could possibly think of (POLICE: DO NOT READ! BUT IF YOU HAVE COMMITTED THESE ACTS OF TREASON AGAINST ME AND CONTINUE TO DO SO, THE WINDOW WAS ALREADY BROKEN WHEN I GOT HERE).

Anyways, Brendon can you get a gallon of 1% on the way back to the apartment? We ran out and now all we've got is skim. I'm not gonna drink the skim. Thanks.