I know what you're thinking, Andy Dwyer can help me clean? The Andy Dwyer that is always a mess even if he's not making a mess? Why yes, yes he can. Take a second to think about it, really think about it. What do you need before you can clean? A duster? Some Clorox wipes? A vacuum? Wrong, wrong, and WRONG. You need... a mess, and Andy Dwyer has got you covered.
1. Drop some stuff.
Drop your homework. Drop your coffee. Drop your dinner. Drop your phone. You can even pick your roommate up and drop them too if you'd like.
2. Break some things.
Break a wine glass, step on a coat hanger, trip over your desk chair, sending it to its inevitable doom. It's not like that chair was comfortable anyways.
3. Revel in your grossness.
Now that you've made your mess, enjoy it for the time being. Feel free to throw around laundry, expand on trash mountain, and make friends with the dust bunnies.
4. End up in the hospital.
Maybe you twisted your ankle on the way to the bathroom, jumping from visible patch of floor to what turns out to be your backpack. You couldn't tell though because you broke your lamp during step 2 and can't see shit in the dark.
5. Ignore the haters.
I don't care that you can't see my floor. I don't care about not being able to shut my closet door. I don't even care that I can't find my laptop.
6. Try to find a new roommate.
By this point, your roommate has probably gotten lost under your dirty clothes or disappeared in the night with all of their belongings so start searching for a new one. Just know, no one will want to live with you because you and your mess are a package deal. That's okay. It's all part of the journey.
7. Blame someone else.
Now that your roommate-less and friends-less, blame someone else. Blame your friends for trashing your place before they disowned you. Blame your psychology professor for assigning too much homework. Blame a restaurant for taking away your favorite dish.
8. Have a breakdown.
Your life has gotten lonely. No one stops by your room to hang out. Yes, they're all jerks for not accepting your uncleanliness. Just let it all out.
9. Collect yourself and admit defeat.
As soon as step 8 has been thoroughly completed, admit that you're clueless. You know you need a serious lifestyle change, but you don't know the first step to making your room livable again.
10. Work with what you've got.
I can plug a vacuum into a wall. I worked in retail for 2 weeks and know how to fold laundry, I think. I have an excellent nose for picking out nice candles.
11. Be optimistic.
Although you may not be qualified for the undertaking that is cleaning your room, give it your all... or at least tell yourself you will.
12. Give your mission a cool name.
This is not as simple as chores. Fixing your mess is a mission, and it deserves a badass name. Plus, this gives you more time to procrastinate.
13. Start cleaning and loudly complain about it.
You know you might not come out of this battle alive. The louder you yell in frustration, the better chance you have, and if you happen to fall into the bottomless pit that is your closet, you'll have a better chance of being found.
14. Have another breakdown.
You've been cleaning for hours, and you can barely see the floor. This is a good reason to cry so let it out, but deny the tears, not even the trash monster that guards trash mountain should see your weakness.15. Bring out the booze.
Now that your second breakdown is over, have a drink... or a few. That makes cleaning more fun, right?
16. Get distracted.
Find last years Halloween costume? Put it on. Find some old video games? Play them. Find a book you swore you were going to finish and never did? Finish it. Find some vampire teeth? You know what to do. Granted, these distractions probably have something to do with step 15, but that makes it even more fun.
17. Realize organizing isn't that bad.
Color code your closet. Rearrange your shoes based on the seasons. Alphabetize your textbooks. Maybe you'll even find a labeler and go wild.
18. Admire your work.
12 hours later and you remember what your desk looks like. Be proud of yourself. Admire the floor because you can finally see it.
19. Get your friends back.
When they ask you what motivated you to finally clean your room, don't tell them it was fear of another hospital visit or concerns for your health. Tell your friends you braved the mess for them.
20. Start the process over again the next day.
If you are an inherently messy person, this step will come naturally.
Good luck.
