My Clandestine Hell
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Politics and Activism

My Clandestine Hell

I'm not the only one.

18
My Clandestine Hell
Nationofchange.org

These sweet walls I've built up around myself are slowly crumbling. I feel so exposed, so abandoned, and beyond alone. Everyone asks me questions, and it's questions that I refuse to answer. Like "How's your day?" "How are you doing?" "What are your life goals?" Questions like that make me want to cry. They make me want to pull someone inside this twisted mind of mine, so they can see and feel exactly what I see and feel daily. I feel like Anxiety, Depression and massive amounts of Stress have completely unloaded every single burden on my shoulders. Everything bad is always my fault. It never fails. I feel like I'm trapped. There's nowhere to turn, no where to hide from all this madness. I feel trapped in my own private hell, where my thoughts best me. I'm trapped over-thinking, blaming myself for everything that happens to me. In my life, I've been abandoned, abused, misguided, destroyed, built up and then destroyed again.

And I know I'm not the only one. We are a massive amount of people. We walk past you everyday, and you don't even look twice. We are the girl sitting on the bench outside by herself at the same time every day. We are that one student who does so well then suddenly drops off the face of the earth. We are the student's that wear the brightest smile and don the quietest tears. We use each other for support, for we don't get much anywhere else. Our cry for help isn't verbal, it's hidden-In our eyes, our smiles, our voices, and in our body language. My cry for help has been constant, since February. My smile has been forced everyday for almost 7 months. My happiness has been a mask that hides my every weakness. All of my suffering has been done in silence. We all want out of this confinement.

I ask that if you're reading this, that you step aside and extend a hand. Sometimes that's all we need. We need to know that there are others out there who we can lean on. Take time out of your schedule (if you can afford it) and talk to us. Ask us how our day is, even though most of the time we despise those words. We need motivation to open up. Be aware. Pay attention to people's habits and their body language. We need to feel wanted and accepted. Extend an invite for an event. If you feel like those things aren't beneficial enough, talk to us about talking to someone. (Yes, a therapist.) As much as we would deny that we don't need one, I guarantee we'll give it a shot. I know I have. I ask that you, as an outsider, to be vigilant. Be observant, be gentle, be kind... And most of all be a FRIEND.

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