I’ve been struggling a lot lately with finding my place on the gender identity spectrum. Up until this point in my life, I’d settled comfortably into the word “queer;” I knew I didn’t really feel like a girl, but I didn’t feel comfortable identifying as a boy either. I needed a word that was somewhere in between. I’m also pretty gay, so queer just seemed to cover all the bases.
However, recently I’m not so sure. I’ve been feeling like I need a more specific label to describe myself. Although there’s plenty of debate over the use of the word queer as an umbrella term, it’s still widely used as such, especially at my school. I’m uncomfortable with this ambiguity. It’s incredibly frustrating to come out to someone and then have to explain exactly what you mean by “queer,” especially if you’re not entirely sure yourself.
I’ve had a lot of labels over the years, whether by my own choice or because of other people. When I first came out in eighth grade, I told everyone I was bisexual. This term rang true at the time, but then it changed- throughout most of high school I was the class lesbian, I was gay, I was a dyke. By senior year I was using the term queer, but most of my classmates continued to think of me as the gay girl (the only one in my class). They probably still do.
Well, full disclosure: I don’t know what I am anymore. I haven’t yet found a solitary label that I feel fits my gender identity perfectly, and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m working on accepting that. I like to preach about how people shouldn’t have to define themselves with labels, and that’s true; labels can be totally constricting. But they can also be validating.
When I claimed the word bisexual years ago, it felt amazing. I felt like I knew who I was and other people did too- I wasn’t just some weirdo, I was part of a community. I was legitimate. Now I have to start over again, and try to get that feeling of community back.
I’m learning that it’s okay to have more than one label, and that it’s okay to have none. If labels feel constricting to you, you don’t have to use them! If they’re validating for you, you can label every part of your identity! And if the labels you use change over time, that’s okay too. Labels should be a personal thing, not a tool to explain yourself to other people.
So this is me: I’m gay, I’m queer, I’m sexually fluid. I’m a feminist. I’m liberal. I’m a college student and an activist; I’m a sibling and a friend. I can be all of these things and many others all at once. I am legitimate with or without labels, but if I choose to claim them it is for me alone. Only I get to decide who I am, and that’s more validating than any label.
