I'm a Christian, and I'm having an identity crisis.
And frankly, I love my faith, and I love the God I've grown to know through that faith. But being a Christian has never been easy. In the four years that I've labelled myself as a Christian, I have found a tremendous amount of fighting against my own nature. And this sounds like a bad thing, but I promise it's not. God calls us to be better. God calls us to defy our natural ways of living and to seek out the way we were intended to live. I fight these things everyday. And almost always fail.
But something that I often struggle with, even more so than the sin of my nature, is my own heart: My yearning to reach out to others, the gripping pain I feel in my soul when someone is in trouble, the justice that is deserved.
I'm writing this after witnessing the murder of two men.
I'm writing this after waking up to another day where two more lives were lost at the hands of excessive violence and lack of understanding.
I'm writing this out of extreme sadness and heartbreak.
And I'm writing this out of discomfort. And this discomfort lies in the idea that my fellow white brothers and sisters in Christ may not hear me, and it also lies in the idea that I may not be qualified on any level to be making such claims. But I feel called. I feel called to speak to the white Christian body. I feel called to speak to "the church" because I've been seeing things. I've been feeling things.
Two men were murdered on camera. Two men had their lives taken without trial. Two, living, breathing, human beings.
The other night I stayed up until 5:30 a.m. in what seemed to be the ultimate black hole of Facebook "debates." I switched positions on my bed several times throughout this three-hour long conversation, as I typed furiously and confidently. We were discussing the Black Lives Matter movement. And while I understand the uncertainty and discomfort the movement provides, I attempted to explain the origins and intent to the best of my ability. But each time I hit send, I seemed to get a response that was entirely devoid of understanding. The responses seemed to hit none of what I was saying. Every time, I seemed to get a response that in some form or another would deny modern systemic racism as it is.
Two men died last week. Hundreds more this past year.
In order to understand the point of this article, the origins of Black Lives Matter, as explained by the movement itself, must be explained. Black Lives Matter (BLM) is a response to the systemic racism that has acted as a side effect of racism in years past. It is an organization of civil disobedience to emphasize the unwillingness to tolerate oppression as it stands. We see chaos and unrest because these acts disrupt our way of life. They force us to recognize the world from a different lens. It also should be noted that any deviation from civil disobedience is not endorsed through the official BLM movement. The majority of BLM advocates believe and value "blue" lives while also advocating for justice.
Hear me out here, because I know that those reading this might automatically close this page down. But we, as White Christians, face inherent privilege. And to deny this is to perpetuate the racism that we may or may not see. We walk into a store without someone automatically deeming us suspicious; we are rarely frisked at traffic stops; we typically have easy access to basic needs like food and education; we watch TV shows and movies where the actors share our same physical features. Our culture is not fetishized, but normalized. We have set up a standard of being and living and have expected that everyone follow suit. And if their narratives do not follow suit, then something must be very wrong with them. We see our own circumstances as the "norm" for everyone that calls themselves an American.
But this isn't reality. Look at Sandra Bland. Trayvon Martin. Michael Brown. Eric Garner.
And whether or not you believe a crime was committed in these cases is beside the point. Look at incarceration rates. Look at deaths by police. At education. Look at essentially every system in place and you can note the ways in which the black community have been continually disenfranchised, disregarded and oppressed.
In the cases of the above people, and especially in the cases of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile, many respond with sentiments of "well if they hadn't done ____" or "if they had listened ..." but the problem here is that we're not listening. We've deemed the argument invalid before we fully understand it. We have automatically seen the situation through the lens of a white Christian without attempting to see it from a different angle.
A long time ago I had a disagreement with someone. A mentor of mine explained to me that I must try to change my perspective. She put a Coca Cola can in between us and said, "Explain to me exactly what you see."
I said, "I see a red can. I see a nutrition label in white. The tab is facing toward you."
"Well, I see a red can. I see a coca-cola label in white cursive. The tab is facing toward me," she replied.
She went on to explain that this example is life. This is how we communicate. We provide feedback, insight and communication through the framework of what we see rather than what others see. But in order to resolve a dispute and to ensure that all parties are cared for, we must recognize the aspects of the situation that are out of our vision. Just because we can't see the white cursive "coca-cola" logo, does not mean it does not exist.
It should also go without saying that to note these problems is not to deny other lives. It is not to disrespect or devalue the work of law enforcement. But rather, to note inherent and unrecognized problems members of our society deal with on a day-to-day basis. Of course, "All lives matter." That goes without saying. But right here and right now, we need to emphasize that Black Lives Matter too.
Frankly, though, I could go on for hours on the ways one can see systemic racism in our society. But in order to adequately discuss this, I would need a whole lot more time and a greater deal of patience. Really, this article isn't even fully about the specifics. It isn't about the politics of policemen. And really, it isn't even fully a commentary on societal positioning and oppression. It is a conversation about where our interests lie. What grabs your attention? When do you break down in tears and when do you turn a blind eye? Do you actually listen to the narratives surrounding you? Do you reach out to the broken?
Black Lives Matter is alive because we have refused to listen.
The issues presented with the Black Lives Matter movement are not new. We are less than two generations removed from Jim Crow Laws. It is no surprise that systemic racism might still exist. However, unwillingness to respond and unwillingness to recognize the inherent problems in our society has lead to the necessity of such a movement. And unfortunately, the unwillingness to listen is not unique to BLM. The example is demonstrated through the Coca-cola can. We have refused to listen to differing societal perspectives. And when we do listen, we automatically deny because we can not see it.
But as Christians we have been called to love.
As Christians we have been called to step outside of our own selves and have faith in a God that we are unable to see. As Christians we are called to love. We are called to treat our neighbor as ourselves. We are taught to stop and help the man suffering. We are called to reach out to the poor, the sick, the broken ...
... The black community.
Maybe I've misunderstood the Bible. But when Jesus rallied around the broken throughout the entirety of the gospels. He advocated for the marginalized populations. He disrupted the status quo through his ministry to proclaim the truth. Think about it--the Bible is full of socioeconomic confrontation. Whether it be racial, monetary or gender related. Jesus sought to love and heal the broken and oppressed. He healed the sick. He cared for the poor. While he loved everyone he specifically pointed to the groups who were seen as the "rejects."
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:4-10.
And in reaching out to these communities is not to deny others. It is not to deny the sacrifice of law enforcement. It is not to reject prayers for Blue lives. And it is not to disregard your own story. It is not to say, "You had the best life" because in reality, none of us ever did. But what we can recognize is the injustice and obstacles that were not amidst our journey, simply by the color of our skin. And the longer we fail to recognize this, the longer we refuse to listen, the longer our brothers and sisters continue to face the side of the world that we do not face, unjustly. And the longer our world continually misses the hope of Jesus.
I struggle with my heart because at times it feels as though it stands alone. At times it can seem like I'm one of the only ones that feels this way. My heart ... that gripping pain in my soul that ached for days after witnessing Alton Sterling's death ... feels as though it stands alone within my own community. I am having an identity crisis.
But please, stand up.
When is it time to note injustice and stand against it? When is it time to start listening to the narratives we can not relate to? When is it time to be the light that God called us to be?
If Jesus is the hope of the world and we are called to mirror it, we are failing.
I say this in love, friends. We are failing. This includes me. I fail to recognize my privilege almost daily. But I'm trying. I'm trying because I choose every day to fight against my own nature. Everyday I consciously choose to follow Christ a little closer. Everyday I choose to reject the ways of my flesh and love this world and love God more than I did yesterday.
Are you with me?
