I got into my first serious relationship at the age of sixteen. He was my first love, a best friend before and during our relationship; like all good things it came to an end. When he left me, I thought I needed someone to lean on at all times, to make me feel good about myself. Having a boyfriend made me feel like “at least I’m attractive in someone’s eyes.”
I thought being in a relationship was what I needed, but it was more about what I wanted.
Two years from the split is just around the corner. To me, this two-year mark should be a celebration of strong will and putting off potential relationships, because it was worth it in the end. This is not about a breakup that left me feeling sad and alone – it’s about what I chose to do afterward.
In the beginning, it was hard to not have someone by my side as a constant reminder that I was loved, or that they were there for me. It led me to believe that I needed it back right away. One thing I learned from this experience was never rush into anything. This objective of trying to find someone right after my breakup failed in the worst possible way. I ended up on an internet dating site, which is somewhat embarrassing to say, but yes, I tried to find someone. This way not only didn’t work but opened my eyes that the idea of a relationship was not happening at this time.
After feeling alone, rejected, and not worthy enough of finding someone, I had to do some as people call it “soul searching.” Digging deep into what makes me, myself, the future I needed to start preparing for, what career choices to take, and most importantly finding love for myself. I had to be okay without somebody by my side.
After determination set in, my focus was more on what I needed to do to propel myself for a successful future; this drive has made all the difference in my life. I am employed by a company that has endless opportunities. I am focused on finishing college and getting a degree. Most importantly, I discovered a deep love for myself, even a new-found confidence in who I am. I realized my self-worth was always valuable no matter how many times I forgot about it.
I chose to be single for this long because of the progress I have made in my life, the future that I can see so clearly, the job that I would’ve never thought of if I was in a relationship, and an independence I feel that I couldn’t have with a boyfriend. This might sound selfish, but in actuality, having a boyfriend takes time out of a schedule. I would have to hang out with them, text them, and spend a handful of money I don’t have on them. Don’t get me wrong, guys are great, relationships are fun, and finding someone you bond with on the surface and on a romantic level can be rare to come by.
For me though, a relationship is not a priority and won’t be for a while. This mindset of forgetting boys and discovering who I am is not how I'll see the world forever, but when you're young its good to be more invested in yourself. For me, devoting my time to my future instead of a relationship is something I desire more.
