Flash forward to the year 2290. An epidemic has taken over, and has turned the majority of the human race into flesh-eating zombies. Many students may foolishly ditch their studies, thinking, “why should I get an education when I have such bigger problems, like finding water uncontaminated by the zombie virus?” Or, “I don’t need to study, I need to find a secure shelter!” Think again. Every individual, from their degree to their resume, plays a major role in surviving the job mar - I mean, the Zombie Apocalypse.
1. Accounting/Economics
Just because the dollar is now worth less than the pile of dirt you used to make your new well-hidden house, and the stock market has gone extinct, doesn’t mean you’re a worthless member of your travel party. Don't be so hard on yourself! You are the most capable of keeping track of all goods coming and going from camp. “I know it was you who ate the last of the Pop-Tarts, Becca!”
Nonetheless, you most likely won’t be the favorite among your fellow survivors, but you’ll make sure everyone has enough food to eat, clothing to wear, moonshine to drink, and tissues to cry into late at night when they think no one can hear.
2. Biology/Medicine/Pharmacology
While the engineers, chemists, and architects of your party, although important, and not mentioned in this guide - are running around making weapons, zombie detectors, zombie traps, and retaining walls, you’re quietly sitting high in a tree mixing plant extracts and tree sap in search of a cure.
Thought it’s not the lab you’re used to, nature provides many of the compounds needed for treating basic wounds. You’d rather work alone, but you have to admit that other survivors do serve a purpose in your research. Whether that purpose is distracting zombies from your hiding spot, testing your remedies, or running slower than you, in the event of an emergency abandonment of camp. If you’re savvy enough, you might even be able to convince an aspiring young hopeful to help you gather supplies, instead of climbing down the tree yourself, never wasting precious time.
3. Business
Under no circumstances will you give up your suit and tie, even when the get-up is covered in mud and pieces of the undead. Your ever-present briefcase can be easily converted into a somewhat awkward, but highly efficient tool, for toting weaponry, or tools for building shelters.
Well-versed in the importance of declaring a strong leader, team building practices, and a well-fitting suit, prepare yourself for large groups of people looking to you for strategy, whether you have one or not.
4. Communications
Unless you can figure out a way to communicate without the Internet, which has since been reduced to fun stories the senile old folks tell to their restless grandchildren, we don’t want you on our team.
The good news is, plenty of alternative communicative options present themselves once Internet, email, and emojis have gone out of style. These include smoke signals, songs on the recorder, collaborating with music majors on writing warning drum patterns and battle songs, and lastly, teleportation.
Guess y’all better get started.
5. Education/English
It’s a Brave New World out there. People of all walks of life are thrown into the same Crucible. Starting in kindergarten, classrooms will be transformed from quiet and peaceful lectures on math, general science, reading, and writing, to weapon-handling, shelter-building, and the practice of how to efficiently take out zombies.
There will be no need to tell everyone you meet about Your Struggle (Mein Kampf), or the fact that you are constantly pining over the Paradise Lost to the onslaught of zombies. Sooner or later, the majority of survivors will cast out their Great Expectations for finding a cure and have accepted that, running from zombies is neither a Crime nor a Punishment, but simply The Way of the World. As an educator or a literary nut, it is up to you to ensure that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should individuals accidentally peer into their own Heart of Darkness; that’s when things take a turn for the worst. Instead, keep moral high by reading from any of the books that haven’t been burned for warmth or fuel.
Honorable Mention: Foreign Language
Unfortunately, zombies are incapable of speech, since they don't breathe and probably have some damage to the biology that supports their vocal chords. However, this doesn't necessarily mean the undead are incapable of communication.
Most students with a degree in foreign language have dealt with the frustrations of both constantly misunderstanding and being misunderstood - at least in the early years. Aside from psychology majors, they are the most likely to feel that maybe zombies might not want to kill us, but rather "just don't know how to make friends." Run from those people. Fast.
