Do you ever just pause for a minute and wonder what it is you are doing? Rather than that, do you ever find yourself doing something that you shouldn't be doing, or promised you would never do again? I am constantly doing this. I make promise after promise to myself that I am going to change, but guess what? I never can.
It shouldn't be this hard to keep a promise to yourself. All you have to do is not do it. When you look through the years , and look at the promises that you tried to keep. Do you see any of them that you kept? Now, how many of those promises where to other people? If you have a bunch, good for you. No, really, I mean it that's good. Now, how many promises have you kept to yourself?
I find it is much easier to keep promises to other people than it is to keep them to myself. I can say I am not going to ever do that again. I can say that I am done doing this. I can say whatever I want to say, but fact of the matter is, no one else cares if I keep a promise to myself.
There is no one there to help you feel accountable for you actions. For some people making any promise in general is about as useful as throwing sand into the wind blowing at your face. There is no point to it, just an annoyance.
Now back to my original question. What am I doing? Forgive my French, but how the Hell should I know? I am walking through this life without the smallest inkling of what I am doing, and what exactly my purpose is. I know where I have been and that is about it. I have no idea what the future holds for me. I know what I want to do. I have dreams.
I want to have a good job as a journalist. I want a family. I want a nice and pretty house. I want the rocking relationship with God...
That is the magazine, Holiday Special, sappy book dream!
No one ever gets exactly what they want! No ones life goes the exact way they want it to do. The reason why is because no one really knows what they are really doing. As college students who want to go somewhere, we are living our lives based on the printing of a piece of paper that has the heading "Schedule" on it.
Everyday we live our lives according to what it says. For those of you who are not in college you are living your life according to what your name tag says or what your kids call you.
We all are born go to school for a decade and a half, sometimes more, then work until we die, or until we are unable to take care of ourselves and we either have loving family members to take care of us, or grumpy nurses in a nursing home to do it.
Do not misunderstand me when I describe this life. Never once did I say it was a boring or a dreaded life. No, what I said is I didn't know what I was doing right in this moment.
Again, what does that question mean? If you were to take what I was doing right at this moment and answer, it would be writing this article. How about, "I am attending college to move onto that job I do until I either die or become a senile piece of living furniture."
Finally, I will tell you what I meant when I asked, "What am I doing?" I meant what am I not doing. I could be doing so much more with my life, but I'm not. There's a reason why I am not, and I'll tell you what it is
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I just flat out don't want to. I want to be lazy. Maybe I like it when I have to stay up incredibly late doing my homework, because I hate going to sleep because I have bad dreams.
Maybe I like to watch stupid TV shows because they help my brain go numb. Maybe I just like to escape my current situation because I have lied to myself too many times and I am just tired of making promises to myself that I know I will not keep.
No, I do not find pride in my shear desire to do absolutely nothing extraordinary. No, I do not feel happy with myself when I don't make commitments. No, I do not feel happy with myself when I miss out on amazing opportunities.
The reason why is because too much in my life has happened when I have tried to make those kinds of decisions and they have back fired on me. I haven't given up on an amazing life. I have just chosen not to have one. I have chosen just to be an ordinary person who lives and ordinary life. I have chosen to do nothing special.
I have chosen to do things this way, because I know that this way I am only hurting myself.
