It's been seven months since your life was cut tragically short. We hadn't talked in a while but when I found out my heart broke. How could someone who was my childhood friend be dead? I didn't believe it at first, I swore that my then best friend was lying and playing a cruel joke on me, but I looked at your mom's snap and it was true.
When I found out, it was almost midnight. I was studying for my first biology test of the semester and after I found out I tried to continue like nothing had happened, but we all know that didn't work. I tried not to let tears fall, which I failed at. Tears were hitting my notes and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I was away from home and no one around me knew you.
I felt so many things in the next few moments: shock, hurt, sadness, anguish and anger.
I was so mad; how could you be gone? How could God take away someone else I knew? How could he take a son, a dad and a brother away from those who needed him? I didn't understand how.
I called my mom to tell her the news. I think I needed to tell her just to make me believe. I still didn't believe though. I cried a few tears but I didn't let myself do more than that. I needed to be tough. I needed to focus on school and I couldn't let myself hurt. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to your funeral, which in a way would've helped me make things real. It didn't feel real to me for weeks and sometimes it still doesn't.
It took me a while to figure out why I didn't let myself cry, but once I did it made so much sense. I couldn't cry for you because as much as I wanted to, I felt like the pain I was feeling wasn't real. The pain I felt wasn't the same as everyone else. I cared about you, but I couldn't say anything or do anything about it.
You were almost my first kiss in elementary school, you would make me so mad then and in middle school, and even when we saw each other in high school. You would make my blood boil and we could argue over anything. I secretly loved those arguments we always had because it meant your attention was on me. I remember everyone teasing me in elementary and middle school about me liking you because it was so noticeable.
My friends tried to get us together several times and yours helped as well. I think the only person who didn't know how deep my crush was, was you because even my mom knew. She would tell me that one day we'd date and I swore that she was crazy because I didn't like you; all we did was argue!
We were so different and that made me like you more.
In high school, we drifted apart even more as I continued to be a nerd and you were still popular and continued to be so. We still would talk here and there, and I told myself I would tell you how I felt, I finally would but I couldn't. I didn't always crush on you but when I did, I did hard.
We started talking less and less, except when we saw each other. I used to always smile if I saw you when I worked because that meant I could flirt and maybe get your attention, except if you were dating someone then I wouldn't because I'm not like that.
I remember finding out that you were having a baby and being shocked because that meant I was officially out of luck. I told you congrats because what else could I say? When she was born I said how pretty she was and as she grew I could see you in her, and I never let my true feeling be known.
The day I found out you were gone, my heart broke and I still try not to cry.
Your family and friends lost you but I lost you too, even if no one knows. I lost the innocence of a child who swore she was going to get the boy someday. I miss you and I know that your death will always linger in my heart.
I'm so sorry.