So what kind of person are you? How would you define yourself? these are some questions that we all are frequently asked. The problem is that the answer to this question is not definite. The answer is changing, it is ambiguous. However, most of us have a sense of who we are and what makes us different from others, except I thought I did until I moved to a different country.
Our personalities are molded by the environment we live and grow up in, the kind of people we are surrounded by. By the time I was fairly grown up, I had a sense of who I was. I had these rules in my head, set by myself and my society that I followed without fail. I had my personal list of do’s and don’ts that were “personal”.
I grew up in a conservative Hindu family where I was restricted from doing a lot of things. There were times when I would feel like running away because of the frustration that was building up inside me. Fighting back was an option that was nonexistent and I realized this soon enough to modify my personality that would fit these restrictions. I changed to fit the rules, I convinced myself and the rule makers around me that I was worthy, worthy enough for the society, worthy enough for everyone but myself. I internalized this personality of mine and believed for the longest time that that’s who I was, that that’s who I wanted to be. Maybe there was a part of me that realized the truth, and maybe that’s what motivated me to leave, leave everything behind including a part of me that was not supposed to be there in the first place.
I did not, however, shed this part of me completely when I got here. I was now in a new place, in a place that had new ideas, different ideas. Initially, I was scared, terrified of letting go of something that I believed belonged to me. I behaved in a way that left me feeling all frazzled because I did not recognize myself, this new self. I found people who made me feel different, made me feel strong and worthy of myself. The change was overwhelming indeed but this change was what I had unknowingly waiting for.
Fear kicked in when I had to go back, when I had to put back the layer I had already shed or so I thought. When I got back, I was scared, I feared someone might find out that someone would see through me and discover that I had changed. Surprisingly I was comfortable, I was not scared anymore because my new self, was strong in the face of judgment and denial. I fought back this time and although it was not well received at first, it was eventually received and accepted because I believed in myself and that’s apparently all I needed all this time, belief. I am now in a place where I am happy with myself, where my family is at least trying to be happy with this transformation because the foundation never changed, the foundation had been and always will be ‘love’ and with love comes acceptance, with love comes reconciliation.
