When I was a freshman in high school, a boy told me that he thought that I looked prettier without glasses. So, I took them off and didn't put them back on for four years. When I was a sophomore, a boy told me that he liked pop punk music. So, I only listened to pop punk music. When I was a junior in high school, a boy treated me like he was better than me. So, I let him. I can flip through my profile pictures on Facebook and name the boy who I liked at the time of all of them. I can name the boy from the time when I got a dress for a school dance to impress him. I can name the boy from the time when I changed my profile picture before I added him as a friend. I can name the boys from the times when I went to sketchy concerts to meet them.
I studied football stats, ran track, played video games, pretended that I played the guitar, curled my hair, kissed someone, and God only knows what else because I thought that it would make a boy like me. I don't think that I was even boy crazy or obsessed, I think that I was a normal girl, but I hate that we feel this way and do that. I grew up in a society where the idea that someone would like me for exactly who I was never even crossed my mind. It was always implied that there was something more that I could do. I flipped through magazines telling me what to say to boys and what boys liked. I also felt the constant pressure to have a boyfriend that all teenagers face, but the problem was that I didn't know who I was. I still don't always know who I am and that's OK, but a boy shouldn't be a factor in figuring that out. It doesn't matter what boys like, it matters what I like.
Now there are some things that I know for sure and that I won't let change on behalf of any boy. I love to read, but, most of all, I love the unique smell of each individual book. I love music, but I'm never consistent and I don't always have a reason for liking something. My relationship with God is my priority and I want my life to reflect that. I like to eat a lot of food. I wear glasses because putting a weird clear thing in my eye disgusts me. I don't like to wear makeup. I don't love sports, but I also don't hate them. I like aimless drives and I don't like big groups of people. I like Sprite and mashed potatoes when I'm sad and I cry when I'm happy.
I'm at peace with these things and someday those are going to be the things that somebody loves about me. Those are the things that I once would have changed with no questions asked for a boy, but the more I learn about myself and the more I love myself, the more that I know that I shouldn't change anything about myself for a boy. If I could go back in time and tell myself that no boy is ever worth compromising who you are, I would. Unfortunately, I can't, so I am now telling you. Be who you are. No amount of fake passion about football and "Call of Duty" will help a boy love you at your core. Running track and listening to music that you hate isn't worth someone whose love is conditional.
When I was in college, a boy told me that I looked prettier without glasses, but I wore them anyway. He told me that he didn't like some of my music, but I listened to it anyway. He treated me like he was better than me, but I didn't let him. I knew who I was and that wasn't going to change for him or anyone else.
