Bagels are a fundamental aspect of civilization. I don’t believe that any person, let alone a college student, could survive without their weekly (or let’s be honest, daily) dose of bagel with cream cheese. Likewise, society is dependent on the celebrities that we worship in some form or another. Whether it be obsessively watching their television show to judge them or blogging about them on our favorite social media websites, we are fascinated with indulging on their more-often-than-not trashy entertainment. Because both bagels and celebs act as guilty pleasures, I have taken on the responsibility of comparing them. I mean, why write about a social justice issue when superficial and delicious topics like this one are just waiting to be written!
Plain: Amy Poehler
At first glance, this comparison might seem like an insult, but let me assure you, Amy Poehler is in no way a plain actress; she’s one of the best comedians out there! I am making this comparison because the plain bagel sets the standard. In other words, all other bagels are inspired by it. Similarly, everyone is inspired by Amy Poehler. Her roles in Parks and Recreation and on Saturday Night Live speak volumes about her ability to step into a role and make others laugh. It’s not everyone’s favorite bagel, but it is some people’s, and almost everyone orders a sandwich or cream cheese on it from time to time.
Wheat: Adele
Adele and the wheat bagel are both very healthy for the consumer. The wheat bagel has nutritional benefits, and Adele’s music has emotional benefits. Even though both are great for you, some people do not look forward to them. Some people don’t look forward to eating the wheat bagel because it is flavorless, and there are some people who don’t always like listening to Adele because her music makes you feel emotions that you often try to ignore. For example, listen to Hello, and within seconds, you’ll remember that random man that you made eye-contact with while driving to work, and sentiment that you didn’t even know existed will come rushing to the surface. They are both beneficial, but even if you’re aware of the benefits that they offer, you sometimes feel hesitant to eat/listen to them.
Sesame: Kanye West
Sesame bagels are a hit-or-miss option. Half of the population enjoys them, and the other half despises their seedy texture and taste. The same goes for Kanye. In fact, many writers (like this one: http://tlhpr.com/kanye-west-the-most-polarizing-ma...) claim that he is the most polarizing man in the world. Some like him because of his music, but others can’t stand him because of that time he cut Taylor Swift off during her speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. Either way, him and the sesame bagel are similar in the way that they appeal to some while repelling others.
Power Protein Bar: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Does this one need much explaining? Both of them are big slabs are protein.
Sourdough: Amy Schumer
Amy’s humor is very sour, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t love it! There’s something attractive about her unfiltered jokes, and even though some consider it to be sour, she’s still hilarious enough to star in a sitcom and tour the country as a comedian, just as sourdough is still popular enough to be on the menu. I, for one, love her and the sourdough bagel.
Everything: Miley Cyrus
The everything bagel is coated in a variety of seeds, spices, and grains. It gives us a little bit of everything rolled into one. Miley Cyrus has also given us a little bit of everything; she acts, she sings, and she models. Miley began as our childhood hero in Hannah Montana, and then she became that wild artist who everyone makes fun of. She also advocates for the rights of LGBTQ+ teens. Even if she is a little wild, she’s done some amazing things, and she’s given us a lot. If you don’t believe me, just scroll through her Instagram feed, and you’ll find all of the proof that you need there.
Pumpkin: Snooki (2008)
Both of them are orange, and both of them are out of season.
Chocolate Chip: Taylor Swift
Though it doesn’t go well with many cream cheeses, this bagel is a delicious one when spread with the right schmear. Taylor Swift is a beautiful and talented artist, but, (as we have seen in her disputes with Nicki Minaj and Katy Perry), she doesn’t always mix well with others. We love the chocolate chip bagel, yet we can also see that it’s not always the right choice, and the same goes for Taylor Swift if you’re mixing her with other artists. Still love my girl, T-Swizzle though.
Cinnamon Raisin: Leonardo DiCaprio
The cinnamon raisin bagel is a delicious one, and it is often underrated. Many people would rather choose the chocolate chip bagel before settling for the cinnamon raisin bagel. Apparently, the same goes for our boy Leo. After countless of sexily, entertaining and believable roles, he still hasn’t been chosen. . .as an Oscar winner! COME ON PEOPLE! Give the man a fricken Oscar. He deserves to be more than a cinnamon raisin bagel!
Sundried Tomato: Donald Trump
The sundried tomato bagel at Einstein’s Bagels and Bros is one of the least sold bagels that they offer. Not many favor it, and those who do- well, there character is questionable. The same can be said about supporters of Donald Trump, and the republican candidate himself. Besides, he almost physically appears to be a sundried tomato.
Cinnamon Sugar: Katy Perry
Like the cinnamon sugar bagel, Katy Perry is very sweet and delicious. Plus, when this bagel comes out of the oven, it is hotter than any of the other bagels- this is true for Katy Perry too.
Blueberry: Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon is one of the most fun talk show hosts on the planet and in history. His many lip sync battles, his egg-roulette games, and his thank you letters amount to a hilarious and playful show that nobody can deny is fun to watch. It’s full of flavor because Jimmy is very sweet to all of his guests. Like Jimmy, the blueberry bagel is fun to eat and pretty dang sweet.
Asiago: Beyonce
I saved the best for last, obviously. The asiago bagel is the most delicious bagel that has ever been created. It’s cheesy, soft dough entices every individual’s taste buds because it is the queen of all bagels, and anybody who disagrees should reevaluate their flavor palette. Beyonce shares this parallel with the asiago bagel. Out of every human being, she is the queen; she is flawless; and she is the best. The only possible thing that could be better than Beyonce or an asiago bagel is Beyonce holding an asiago bagel. It would be a sight that might bring tears to the eyes of anyone witnessing it- like Jesus when he broke the bread. “Take this bagel and eat of it, for it shall be my body.”
Now that you know which bagels are attributed with which celebrities, (some famous, some infamous), I hope that you get to enjoy your favorite one in the near future. Never be ashamed to eat a bagel, because carbs are just a social construct that we invented to make ourselves feel better about self-control, but who needs self-control when you can have all of the bagels that your heart desires?
