“A holly jolly Christmas, the best time of the year” but what if its not the best time of the year? What if it takes twice as much effort to get into the holiday than it used to take you? That’s the case for me. Coming up on 6 years ago Christmas day I lost my biggest hero in the world, my cousin. My aunt and uncle lost their amazing son, and my cousin lost her lovable brother. I can’t even imagine the pain my aunt, uncle, and cousin feel. My heart goes out to them everyday and especially this time of year.

As for me Christmas used to be my absolute favorite holiday, the giving of presents and seeing the other persons face, the shared family time together, and the Christmas ham! Soooo good. But then in 2010 that all changed. My favorite cousin lost his battle with cancer. And boy did it hit hard. Each year since its been a battle. Do I enjoy Christmas? How do I enjoy it with Keenan gone? It becomes and endless mind game that I have struggled with for five Christmas’s now. But this year is different. This year I battled anxiety and depression head on for the first time in my life. Its been a battle but I finally feel ready to handle things. So I decided to make this Christmas a true Christmas. To enjoy the music, lights, candy, giving, all that goes with the Christmas spirit. It hasn’t been easy. I have to work hard to keep my mental side in check and trust that this is what my cousin would have wanted. He wouldn’t want us to suffer; he would want us to celebrate. So that’s what I am doing this year, I am celebrating for him.

I am able to do this because of the support system I have by my side everyday. I have the most amazing mom anyone could ask for, I have a small group of friends that would do anything for me, and I have a man who absolutely adores me and will always be here. To say I’m lucky is an understatement.

So the way I have thrown myself into the season full force is by experiencing everything I used to love. I have been listening to my favorite Christmas songs and singing my heart out. Next I ended up buying six pairs of fuzzy Christmas socks because why not? Next I bought a snowman onesie because if you dress the part you believe it.

Always in the back of my mind I think about my cousin though, about what it would be like to experience these days together but then I remind myself that we do spend these days together. He’s always with me in my heart and in my mind.

So for all of you this holiday season that are missing a loved one and feel you cant enjoy the spirit and entertainment, please let the joy well inside. Go out and do something you used to love before you lost that person. Because that person is right there watching you, loving you, and sharing that joy with you.

This holiday season spread love to every one; you never know what they’re going through this holiday season.