There is a great debate in the world of pet owners as to who makes the better pet, dogs or cats. This is a struggle that has raged on for years with each side presenting points and counterpoints as to why their chosen species is the superior one. With the number of cats owned out numbering dogs, and their colonization of the Internet, it would seem that the cat lovers have clinched victory, but I am not prepared to admit defeat quite yet. I still hold that dogs are the superior pets for the simple reason that cats are pure evil.
Yes you read that right; cats are not the best pets because they are in fact creatures of pure evil. Now you may be thinking to yourself that this is all a bit of hyperbole and the author has clearly lost his mind. I can assure you with total confidence that it is not hyperbole, and with slightly less confidence that I am completely sane, and I will prove the villainous nature of cats to you by drawing from my experiences with my own cat, Millie.
I will start by examining that age-old phrase "never bite the hand that feeds you." Now most people and animals follow this rule knowingly and with little difficulty, but not cats. My cat seems to follow a different creed, "I'll do whatever the hell I want and screw you." Case in point: my cat's relation to my bed. Ordinarily my cat enjoys sleeping on my bed as it's warm and soft and high up, but other times she will crap right in the middle of my bed for no reason, and for those of you who know just how foul cat poop is it just makes it even worse. It's a recurring theme with our cat, she will crap in places she sleeps regularly with no rhyme or reason other than she can. Her bathroom activities are not just limited to places she sleeps, after we feed her she will frequently poop in her litter box when we are in the room with her just so we have to smell it.
The various evil deeds of cats are not just limited to their bathroom antics, but also their issues with food. Our cat is incredibly needy when it comes to food, she cannot seem to go long without food being presented to her. Even as little as an hour after being fed she will begin meowing to be fed again. This grows worse as time goes on with her meows reaching new heights of annoying. However, the fun doesn't stop when she gets food, oh no sir; the real fun is seeing if she can keep it down. Our cat is on a hair trigger for vomit and the slightest thing will set her off. She eats to fast. Vomit. She eats something that's not her regular food. Vomit. She just doesn't like the look of you today. Vomit. Trying to keep her from vomiting has become an untenable goal and trying to contain the vomit has taken its place.
The most evil deed of cats by far though is their attitude towards the humans they live with. Dogs in their interactions with their owners can generally be described as affectionate and loving at best, and accepting of you at worst. Cats by contrast only bother to get affectionate when it serves their interests. If its warm out a cat will keep clear of you, but when it's cold she will cuddle up upon you as her own personal heater. If she has freedom of movement, she will do her own thing, but if she's stuck in a room she will rub against you to curry favor to be let out. At every turn your only value to her is how you can best serve her interests and her affections are dependent upon the answer.
Once you get past the propaganda and begin to examine cats from a closer angle it becomes clear just how twisted and nefarious their intentions are. I can only hope that I've managed to pull back the curtain for some of you on the villainous nature of cats before its too late and you find your self with one. Take heed and beware.
