Before I even begin allow me to make this clear. We were never friends. Never, not even peers, and I find it a shame that the only things we ever knew about each other came from the mutual friends around us. That being said, I am not here to try to expose your “secrets” because trust is hard to find, and I’m not sure if I can trust the words of those past friends of ours. I just feel I need to get this out so someone who may be in a similar situation can recognize the warnings and get out… Before you get hurt.
You were a bad memory. I say "were" because I look back on my memories with you with a feeling of simple indifference. I don’t like to think about you for multiple reasons. You and I were not very nice to each other, it was a constant back and forth. You made me feel awful without really ever saying anything, and maybe that was the problem. You rarely said anything to me, but your actions were enough to impact me over the course of three, maybe four, years of my life. What a shame.
I should also mention, this is the second letter I’ve written for you. The first remains for my eyes, deleted now and gone forever. It wasn’t something anyone needed to read but me. It was so full of anger that by the end of it, someone would assume I hated you, but I never hated you. I certainly did not enjoy your presence, but school has a not so funny way of bringing/forcing people together. This is the letter of my observance and experience with you and your actions.
We had a dumb rivalry. I honestly don’t know if rivalry is even the right word. A feud? A mutual dislike for one another that was justified with unnecessary silent treatments when we were partners in that one class? No? Fine, we’ll use rivalry. Regardless, of what we called it, my “relationship” with you played a key role in how I grew as an individual and as a friend.
You were never who you said you were. You were a liar. I’ll be quite honest when I say that of all the people you hurt, I’m probably lower on that list, but I watched you hurt the people, our (yes, our) friends around me. You know very well I did not let that go silently. Yes, it was one of those “mess with me all you want but touch my friends and that’s where I draw the line” kind of situation, yet when I think of everything that happened, I know you somehow made me stronger.
Crazy, right? However, you placed me into situations where the choice I made would determine how I would be known for treating people. In some cases, I confess the way I treated you was unfair at times, though believe me at the time I treated it like the right decision. I apologize for that. However, when I think of the times I chose to not engage your antics at all… Things got better. My focus shifted from trying to figure out how to make you feel awful to making sure my friends understood that this ongoing dispute needed to end. It took time, but I watched them become stronger with time. With time, I’d like to think we all got stronger, you included.
I saw you. A few months ago, ran into you around town. I’ll be quite honest, my immediate thought was, “ohhhhhhh goodness gracious no”. You looked straight at me, meeting my eyes. We held the gaze for a few seconds, and as quickly as it happened you went back to your business. I went back to mine. I wish you well.