There's just something about hearing the engine turn over in the morning that makes a car guy happy. I'm sure there's some scientific reason behind it, but true gearheads are obsessed with every facet of their car, whether it is good or bad. My recent slump with girls made me start thinking about how my car is the only consistent thing in my life at the moment.
So, I dedicate this piece to my car, my one true love. Here are 19 reasons why cars are simply better than girls.
1. I actually like the paint job for cars.
I get sick of seeing girls who think they need so much makeup on their face to impress a guy. So when they take off the makeup, it's like removing the paint job on a car. Ladies, you don't need that artificial paint job of caked on makeup. I'd rather look at the one on this Supra.
2. My car will never wake up in the morning and say it doesn't love me anymore.
Me: "Oh what did you say baby I didn't hear you."
Car: "Vroom vroom!!!"
Me: "Aww, I love you too babe."
3. My car gets turned on on command.
Terrible joke number one.*
"Ah, now that is (insert country) engineering" — every car guy ever.
4. You actually make money when you "divorce" your car.
$5,000 turbo upgrade? I think not.
5. My car is okay with having only one pair of shoes.
For the non-car people, shoes=tires. Plus, I only have to get her new shoes about once every two years.
6. Cars are never picky when you buy it the same meal twice.
93 Octane every single time.
7. Loud cars are always a good thing.
*Riding in car*
"Your car is too loud, I don't like it."
8. Your car will never be mad at you if you "drive" another car.
It's impossible to escape the cancerous hookup culture we live in today, so I'll just stick to my car.
9. No one bats an eye if you try to change anything on your car.
Your car is always open to changing, both inside (engine, suspension, exhaust) and outside (body and rims). Plus, people will tell you if your car needs a facelift.
10. Your car will net you more guy friends than a girl will.
A car will never try to isolate you from your friends. I'm not saying everyone is like this, but it's happened before.
11. My car never gets mad at me if I check out another car.
Actually, there is this thing called a car meet that guys go to so they can check out other guys' cars. If you do that with women, that classifies you as a misogynist pig.
12. You expect your car to have a little junk in the trunk.
Car: "Is my butt too big?"
Me: "Your butt will never be too big."
13. I can push my car to the limit without it having a breakdown.
Girl or guy, you can't push anyone to their limits without it blowing up on you. The redline in cars prevents that.
14. You never hesitate to spend $1,000 on your car.
15. You would physically harm someone for your car.
Hell hath no fury like an angry car guy, especially if you touch his paint.
16. Taking pictures of your car at ridiculous angles is actually a pleasure.
Do it for the 'gram.
17. You can spray your car with a water hose and pour soap all over it in public and not get arrested.
Hopefully, this needs no explanation
18. A car that's 40 years old can still look like new.
I mean come on, look at this CILD (Car I'd Like to Drive).
19. If you're lucky, your car will help you find your one true love.
All jokes aside, your car might land you in a spot one day where you find a woman that is just as crazy about cars as you are.
*Special shoutout to my friend Riley for helping me out with this one. I owe you a 10-second car, bro.