One thing I have come to realize is that the universe reflects back to us everything that we believe about ourselves.
That little girl that felt unwanted and as a result did everything to take care of others to be liked?
The person who watched their mom be abused and now seems to constantly find every abusive man, everywhere?
This is not to say that violence is ever one’s own fault, but that when things become a trend, there is something happening within our own soul that allows it to become one. I can say this because I’ve made just about every mistake in the book, been a victim, and now consider myself a survivor.
Lately, I’ve been seeing the same graphic across just about every social media platform. Something about, “Yes, I’m the mom girlfriend – I have medicine ready, will pull an all-nighter, call him before he has an appointment, and buy food if he is hungry,” etc.
This is not to say that sometimes in a relationship one of you will not have to give more than the other, but this mindset of being the “caretaker” represents the ever so common dependent relationships between young adults today that are often toxic and already full of, or lead to, abuse.
Often the women I see sharing these things are the same ones who were complaining because they did literally everything for their last boyfriend, and he still left.
As a result, they continually want to flaunt the way in which they can selflessly care for others, that they are the most “down female” and would never be disloyal. Often, they worked, paid the bills, and bought the food; they allowed themselves to be completely walked on over and over, and wonder why he never got his sh*t together, never found a job, or got help for his anger issues.
Breaking Personal Service Announcement: if you continually allow him to use your resources and baby him from the beginning of a relationship, never allowing him to struggle, why would he have any motivation to do better for you when you have proven that you have put your worth in his hands and will do anything to keep him happy? He won’t.
And you do not need someone who would willingly use you either.
This does not mean that they are evil, and you do not have to think so. It means that he needs to grow, and honestly, you are helping him continue to live as a child by enabling him.
Often these same women are defensive and overprotective of these men maybe even hours after sobbing on the phone over the way that they are used and treated. You were not put on this earth to save anyone. You were not put on this earth for a “soul mate,” and anyone who treats you like this is not your “soul mate” anyway.
You are not feeling undying love: you are feeling undying dependency in which you are terrified of losing someone who has made you feel as if you have a purpose. You are being manipulated, and I know, it is hard.
In fact, truthfully, you may never find a partner or husband. You were not put here to find someone to boost you. A partner should be someone who does not need you, but wants you for the best parts of you and loves your flaws; someone who strives alongside you, but not force you to drag them along. If you never find someone who can be a partner, you must still fully love yourself.
Your past abusive relationship, and my own, should not be the only basis we have as requirements for our next relationship. He should not just “not hit you” or “not scream at you,” but have an interest in your dreams and goals, be someone that you can have intelligent conversations with, etc.
This is not to say that we should not sacrifice for our significant others or that men are supposed to be perfect. This is to say stop making excuses and stop relying on dependency to feel loved. You deserve more. And even if it takes ten more half-ass relationships, if this even helps you to end that a week sooner the next time, to slowly leave that behavior in your past – then I have done my job.
A partner will come along. He is not “the one,” and you have got to stop settling.