Since coming out as pansexual last October, I haven’t been in any sort of romantic relationship. Heck, I’ve never had any sort of more-than-friends thing with anyone who wasn’t a guy. And I know that there are people out there who will think that I can’t “be sure” that I’m pansexual, because I’ve never been in a relationship with a girl or with a non-binary individual. My awareness of this attitude left its mark after my coming out; I felt I was in a good place to begin pursuing a possible relationship, and I was convinced I would find myself a girlfriend. I was finally allowing myself to acknowledge my romantic feelings for women after years of wondering whether that attraction was romantic, platonic, or purely aesthetic. So, as one does when one hasn't figured out who's straight and who isn't, I downloaded Tinder and set the "Show Me" setting to Women. I put together a flirty, good-humored bio. I liked people. And I almost squealed the first time I matched with a girl. That moment became a rite of passage for me into the queer landscape, because it felt like I was finally walking the queer walk to go with the queer talk I was talking. Retweeting a gay joke and being a cute girl actively flirting with a cute girl are very different layers of the queer cake.
Around the first of the year, I switched the "Show Me" setting to Men and Women on a whim more than anything else. And from that, I met this great guy. He is beyond wonderful, and there is such great chemistry between us. I'm not afraid to be myself in front of him, and that is vital. But as we talk more and I see things getting more serious between us, a small pit of anxiety is manifesting at the back of my throat. Not because of him, not because I have commitment issues, nothing like that. I just know that there will be people, even within the LGBT+ community (perhaps even especially within the LGBT+ community), who will think that me being a girl in a relationship with a guy will automatically disqualify me from the LGBT+ community. Even though my sexuality means I could fall for anyone, even a cisgender (an individual whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth) guy. Why is that?
There is this concept of "straight passing", where LGBT+ individuals are believed to be able to appear straight to other people. It is sometimes believed to be a privilege because it allows these individuals to not experience or be subjected to homophobia. However, the concept of "straight passing" is born out of gay stereotypes, which can be harmful to people in the LGBT+ community. Queer people should not be punished for using their "straight passing privilege" just because they fail to conform to a stereotype. Tumblr user bisexualopinions said it best in a recent Tumblr post: "straight passing privilege is a myth. it’s not a privilege to have your sexuality erased."
I recently ran a poll on my Twitter page and Instagram story where I asked:
The results weren't a total surprise (given that most, if not all, of my followers are pro-LGBT+), but what surprised me were the number of people that not only answered the poll, but responded to it with their own additional comments.
Not even two minutes after tweeting the poll, one person replied with:
While it's reassuring to know I'm not the only person who has these thoughts and fears, it's also disappointing to know that so many people feel welcomed within their own community. The LGBT+ community is supposed to be a place where we can actually feel like we belong somewhere. Things like supposed "straight passing privilege" and some of our relationships being deemed "not queer enough" take that open door into the LGBT+ community and slam it in our faces. We came looking for a place where we could be open about this part of our identity without fear of being shamed or ridiculed. And for the very place that once opened its arms to us to push us away because some believe we can somehow pass for something we aren't does nothing more than leave us feeling abandoned, exposed, and alone.
As I said when I came out, when I love someone, I love their soul. I love their laugh. I love how excited they get about their favorite things. I love the passion they have for their hobbies. I love the jokes they tell and the things they find funny and the songs they sing in the shower. I love who I love, and if that happens to be a straight cis guy, that doesn't erase my identity. I will still love his soul, and his laugh, and how excited he gets about his favorite things, and everything else. I should not feel like I have to "prove" my sexuality. I don't need to present two forms of identification every time I say I'm pansexual. The queer police are not going to come along and give me a ticket for not being "queer enough".
I am proud of my sexuality. It is something I have worked hard to understand and fully realize. It is a part of who I am. And nothing, not even the future boyfriend I may or may not have, can negate that part of me.
