Even as I write this I can't stop thinking about you. I'm taking a sip of my tea and I remember the time in the middle of the night I brought you tea even though you said you'd never like it, but you did. I hear Bon Iver through my headphones and as he sings the words "I can't make you love me." I think of the time you came into my car and ask who it was singing. A couple days after that I remember you posted a tweet that was a screen shot of Bon Iver's "For Emma". The reason I'm writing this is quite clearly stated in the title because I just can't get you out of my head. I figured if maybe I just put all these thoughts into writing I could maybe get you to leave.

A single day doesn't go bye were I grab my phone first thing in the morning thinking I will get that "Good Morning" text with the blushy smiling emoji that I used to but its not there. I can't wake up to a good morning snapchat of you with your outfit of the day. I remember getting those snaps and thinking "wow she can't get any prettier than she looks right now." and then I would get the next days snap and I would think that all over again, but now I don't get them. No one to say "goodnight" to or to ask how their day was. No one to stay up late at night with talking about complete nonsense. No one to do a list of things that were planned out to do. No one to watch Beauty and the Beast with..

There isn't a song that comes on the radio that makes me not think of you. Sean Mendez, followed by Blink-182 or anything that you like for that sake will come on the radio and I will drop what I'm doing and will immediately think of you. The thought of you just makes me sad and I want to pick up my phone and text you just to see how you are doing but I know it will end in fighting, it always ends in fighting. I wish I could just stop thinking of you because it is all I find myself doing anymore. I tell myself I am getting better but then I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny and I remember how you got into the show and you used to call me Mac because I always wear cutoffs to show my stupid tattoos and because I think I am jacked. That's when I get sad again.

I don't understand why, because after all, I shouldn't be. Then just when I'm starting to feel like myself again a tweet will be favorited by none other than you. I'm not saying it is a bad thing but what do I do when I see a picture of you and him now and can't help but think does he really care? Will he ever stop and think "wow, this girl by my side is the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen and no matter what she does she will always be perfect." will he? I know I used to. Or when he kisses you does he even care if it is perfect? Even typing that I think of the time I asked you out and had to ask if "I'm supposed to kiss you now?" because I was so nervous. Hell, speaking of nervous, remember the time I was so nervous that day we spent the entire time in Philly and went to a concert? I was so nervous while we were eating I spilled food everywhere and coffee on my shirt, and the weird coincidence is I'm wearing that black and white flannel today and I just can't seem to get the stupid stain out of my shirt.

I don't know if it makes me a bad person for wanting to write this or if it makes me a better person to let all these emotions out. Does it make me bad that I miss everything that we used to be? Does it make me a bad person that I sit here and envy the man that calls himself your boyfriend? You know me better than any of my best friends, you know that I am a jealous person, so does that make me a bad person?

Why should I care though? Really why should I care? If I texted you right now just to see how you were would you be snippy with me? Would you actually text back with sincerity and care? I don't think you will. I know how you are when you get mad and I know you probably better than he does, because who wouldn't know the person they spent over 200 days talking to straight, nonstop. 200 hundred days of talking about anything and everything one could imagine. The only thing that stop the conversation was when one person fell asleep, then it would pick right back up when the first person woke up. And I think the reason this hurts so much on the inside. The only reason I cringe when I see him post something obscure or obscene on your wall is that I know that I will never get any of that back. I will never have my best friend back. I will never have you back.

I just need to let go, and I feel the only to do it is to completely forget you. I remember the day I took our photos off of Instagram, and you asked why I did it. The simple answer is that the photos reminded me of all these great memories, but sometimes, the memories hurt worse than any fight we have ever been in.

-Sean

P.S. I miss you