I was in the fifth grade when I “got involved.” I became a crossing guard at my elementary school, which meant really early mornings and missing our morning math worksheet. (I was completely fine with this.) Being a part of things was a really good feelin. so as I got older, I started getting involved in more and more things.
In middle school, I joined the leadership team, which meant that I was in charge of planning school events, and delegating the work to other individuals. This meant having to do big scary things and talking to big scary important people.
At the age of 13, I had to call the head coach of the Gonzaga women’s basketball team, and ask if he wanted to come speak at our school. (He said no.) In high school, I became the Freshman Class President and the Sophomore Class Vice President. This meant a 0-hour class, and a lot of extra work, most of which was poster painting.
When I was 14, I switched gears a bit and got more involved in my church. I was at almost every event, helping to set up, tear down and providing child care when necessary. By the time that I was 15, I was teaching the elementary school aged children’s church every Sunday. This went hand in hand with trying to keep up with the homework from my A.P. classes, three of which I had my senior year, applying to colleges and working at a daycare for a few hours after school every day. At this point in my life, stress felt like a constant companion. Every couple months or so, something would slip and I would spend a bit crying and freaking out and then I would pull it all together and come through. Sounds super healthy right?
The reason behind my busyness is two parts. The first is that I really like helping people. I have always done what I can to make other people’s lives easier, and the joy I get from that helping is incredible. Due to this desire to help, I have a really hard time saying no to things. Whenever I get the opportunity to be a part of things, it takes a lot out of me to say no. I just want to help so badly, and I want to make things better so badly that saying no to them, gives me this icky feeling. Unfortunately, that meant for a few years of my life, I was constantly stressed, and tired, and wanting to do nothing but sleep.
Coming to college really opened my eyes to how few hours there really are in a day. Suddenly I had all of these amazing classes about things that I loved to learn about. These classes just so happened to come with an intense workload, that took a really long time. I had some great friends that I loved to spend time with and I started to go to CCF. My options were to say no to things or to sacrifice my academic career, and it was a really hard thing to learn. Luckily, I had a really great mentor who sat down one day and explained to me that no one would love me any less if I did not manage to do everything they asked of me. It was a revolutionary idea and one that I am still working on.
My value does not come from my ability to make the lives of other people easier. I do not have to be busy all the time to be important, or loved, or needed. When I am too stressed, it takes away from my ability to be the kind of friend, and daughter, and sister, and person that I want to be. These facts escaped me for a while and sometimes they still do and that is OK.
