Religion is tough for me. I have my complex mind and critical thinking ways to blame for that one. I believe that God is alive and that I was born to live for Him and to serve others, but when it comes to selecting a religion that fits my thoughts, beliefs, and values perfectly, I struggle.

I was born into the Catholic Church. I attended a Catholic school for seven years (2^nd through 8^th grade), was heavily involved in my youth group, attended national Catholic conventions, and I even went on a mission trip. I volunteered during Vacation Bible School, helped teach Sunday School, attended church camps, and was a church camp counselor once I hit the minimum age to do so. Needless to say, Catholicism has been a huge part of my life. It has shaped me into the woman I am today and there’s nothing about my religious past that I regret.

But then, I woke up one day, and I swear to you I was a different woman than I was the day before.

Over the past few years, I have changed immensely. I have spent a vast majority of my time alone, formulating and constructing my own thoughts and perspectives. I live with a free-spirited attitude and with an open mind. I believe that everyone has the right to think, believe, and practice whatever they please. I believe that there is no “right” or “wrong” religion because, at the end of the day, who has all of the answers? Nobody. To me, religion is based on perspective; Beliefs can’t be proven right or wrong and people are constantly changing their thought process. The way I think now is different than the way I thought when I was twelve, so who knows how my mind is going to work by the time I’m forty-two? However you think it works, is how it works, and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.

At a point in my life, I was lost. And honestly, I still am. A couple of years ago, I didn’t know what I believed. I didn’t know how I wanted to view the world and what I wanted to practice, so I distanced myself from the Catholic Church. Catholics are very stern, traditional, and set in their ways. Their beliefs are narrow with very little room to wiggle.

That’s not who I am.

Without going into extreme details and listing all of the Catholic beliefs out, just know that there are many beliefs that I do not side with and there are many beliefs that I do side with. Once I realized this, I felt like a hypocrite. I don’t feel like I can say I’m Catholic when I do not agree with all of the beliefs within the Church. I was tired of being placed under a label that tied me to beliefs that I don’t believe to be true. I was tired of saying, “Yes, I’m Catholic, but I don’t believe in this and I don’t agree with that.” In my mind, that’s not okay and that’s not how it should work. I feel like you either have to be all in or all out; There is no gray are when is comes to religion.

I can’t be, “Kind of Catholic.”

I like to think in depth. I enjoy thinking my way through theories and ideas. I like to bounce thoughts around in my head, and off of others when the opportunity presents itself. Over the past few years, I have broadened my spiritual views. I don’t want to label myself with any religious title because I haven’t found one that fits me perfectly. Now, I know that it’s impossible to find anything that will fit me just right. I know that there is no religion out there that I can 112 percent agree with, and because of that, I’ve gone about things my own way and have created a relationship with God the way I want to. In a sense, I feel like I’ve created my own religion within myself that I full-heartedly believe in. If you were to ask me what my religion is, I'd simply tell you that I believe in God.

I believe in a higher power and I believe in God. I believe that His son, Jesus Christ, died for our sins. I believe that God controls the universe and whatever else is out there that we may know nothing about. I believe that God created me with nothing but good intentions planned out. I believe that God took His time on me. I believe that God molded me into the woman I am today. I believe that, if I choose to be a good person, I will get to Heaven someday. I believe that God is up above me, watching my every move. I believe that He is constantly looking out for me. I believe that, with Him by my side, there’s no way I can fail. I believe that He listens to all of my prayers and ends up laughing at half of them. I believe that He put me on Earth for a reason. I believe that He implanted my flaws deep within my roots simply because I am more beautiful that way and because having flaws leads to mistakes, which leads to more lessons learned. I believe that He is patiently waiting for my time to come Home. I believe that, when that time does come, He will be standing at the gates of Heaven awaiting my arrival.

I don’t believe that I have to go to church every week, or at all, to have a relationship with God. I don’t believe I have to be dedicated to one specific religion in order to call myself a woman of Christ. I don’t believe that a man or woman can stand at the head of a church and tell me how to create a relationship with God. I don’t believe that I have to read the Bible to know God. I don’t believe that I have to prove my faith or my relationship with God to anyone but Him and myself. God knows my heart and that's all that matters. I don’t know what God looks like or how He got to where He is today. I don’t know how someone so extraordinary can actually exist; I just know that He does. I don’t know how beautiful Heaven is and I don’t know how hot the flames of Hell are. I don’t know how God chooses what everyone’s life plans are and I don’t know how it’s possible for me to love someone that I’ve never actually met face to face. There are a lot of things that I don’t know, and often times, it feels like they outweigh the things I do know, but that doesn’t stop me from believing in the individual who has given me everything.

The truth of the matter is, nobody knows.

Nobody can prove any of the answers to the questions I have. Nobody can tell me anything for sure. Nobody on Earth knows exactly what happened when Jesus was on this Earth. Since none of these things can be proven for a fact, I believe that it’s up to you to perceive religion however you see fit. If you believe in God, sweet! If you don’t, cool! If you think you either go to Heaven or Hell when you die, that’s great! I’ll see you in Heaven! If you think nothing happens after death, awesome!

Allow me to reach my point: Your relationship with God, if you want one at all, is whatever you make of it. Nobody’s beliefs are wrong because, at the end of the day, God created free will for a reason. People are allowed to think, feel, and believe whatever they want. Because, after all, God created every single one of us to be exactly who we are today. If you believe that to be true, how could you ever judge someone for how they choose to perceive religion? If God created everybody, He created all of our perspectives as well. And that, my dear friends, is one of the most beautiful parts of life.

“To each their own.”

Lord, there are a few things I want You to know.

Lord, please know that I’m struggling.

Lord, please know that I want to know You more than anything or anyone else in the world.

Lord, please know that I wish everyone believed in You, because I don’t know how I would survive without Your love and guidance.

Lord, please know that I need You.

Lord, please know that I do my best every single day to be the best person I can be.

Lord, please know that I try to see You in every person I come in contact with.

Lord, please know that I understand that I owe everything to You.

Lord, please realize that I’m doing my best to find my own way in this world.

Lord, please know that during the days when I do not pray, it’s because I legitimately feel like I bother You sometimes. I just know that there are other people in this world who have it worse than I do, so I feel bad for coming to You with my problems when I know You could be focusing Your time elsewhere, helping somebody who needs You more than I do in that moment.

Lord, please know that I’m trying not to think those things.

Lord, please know that I’m trying to remind myself that there isn’t anything I’m not allowed to come to you about.

Lord, please know that I realize I don’t have to have a problem in order to speak to You. I know that I can talk to You just to simply thank You for everything and to tell You about my day, even though You clearly know how my days go.

Lord, please know that I love You.

Lord, please know that the days when I do not go to church are the days I need You the most.

Lord, please know that I trust Your plan.

Lord, please know that I believe in You more than I believe in anything else in this universe.

Lord, please know that, when I talk to You, I’m trying to talk to You the same way I talk to my friends because I know that You are the best friend I could ever ask for.

Lord, please know that I’m working hard to understand You and to feel Your undying love.

Lord, please don’t forget that I’m trying.

Lord, just please don’t give up on me.