"I am quiet most of the time. I just stare and think. My words get frozen within my lungs, and I believe my thoughts are deadly, and there's probably a quarantine surrounding my lungs. People tend to ask me, 'Why are you so quiet?' I just smile, laugh, and shrug. I am quiet most of the time, but my mind is loud. My mind is screaming. I wish I weren't quiet, I wish I shared my emotions easily. I do not know how to start. My words get frozen within my swollen lungs." - A.E.

I find in my own experiences with people, and as an outsider looking in, I don't believe anyone can classify their relationships with others as truly genuine. I feel that everyone in this world lacks a sense of rawness and closeness with one another. There isn't one person in this world that knows everything about someone else. Think about it. This isn't about taking away the value of the strong relationships we spend our time building, this is about realizing we all possess the exact same defense mechanism.

Think about the closest person to you: Your parents, a best friend, a sibling, significant other; Now, think of every important thing you've ever told them. Think about your deepest, darkest secrets or your most weighted moments you've shared in life. Take yourself back to that exact moment and think about what you experienced, then take yourself to the moment you shared with another person. Maybe you shared it with more than one person. Are all the stories the same? Did things change based on the person you shared it with? We're all guilty. We change things, we alter things about ourselves in order to adapt to the situation we're in. Relationships rise and fall, but we all go through them with the intent on building trust. I think trust in each relationship is customized to fit that dynamic.

I'm not here to accuse everyone in this world of lying to the ones they love most. I don't think we do this to hurt the ones we love. We change things or leave them out, in hopes of protecting that person. For example, we don't always tell parents about the dumb decisions we've made out of fear of disappointing them or hurting them. We smile and support the ones we care about in endeavors that we may not agree with. We leave out details of our past relationships when talking about it with our current ones. I, personally, can't stand confrontation with the ones I love. It makes me sick to my stomach. I'd rather cope with being unhappy or upset if that meant I wasn't inconveniencing anyone with how I'm feeling.

Sometimes we get it all out. Sometimes we get it out and it's unproductive because our rage causes us to say things we don't mean. Sometimes it's unproductive because we fail to understand others. Or, like me, we don't get it out at all. We let it fester and bottle it up, and sometimes we end up taking it out on others who aren't even involved.

My point to all of this is, is that we all lack a raw honesty with everyone. Which leads me to think about how could anyone be genuinely close with another? We all have our own reasons for it; Avoiding conflict, fear of judgment, attempting to protect, dodging disappointment, persuading the odds to be in our favor. Our defense mechanism we have installed is meant to operate in a way that results in pleasing the ones we love. Is this a good thing? Do we have this for a reason? What if we all were 100%, truly raw, impeccably genuine with one another. Would we still have the same relationships we have? Would the same adjectives that currently are attached to your persona still remain? Would it, in turn, make all of our personalities exactly the same?

Maybe we aren't meant to be that way. Maybe the defense mechanism we have actually does protect us and who we love, and maybe some things are better left unsaid. We all handle how we're feeling, how we portray situations differently, and maybe that's just what makes everyone who they are. I don't know anything to be certain. This is just something I started to explore based on my wandering thoughts in the shower (where we all do our most crucial thinking).

I thought about all of my past relationships: How they became established, how they got built, how some burned to the ground, and how some of them are still standing, maybe with a few renovations. The ones that burned had me ponder how they got there, what could've been done differently, why they came and went, what lesson I obtained from them, what lesson they obtained. The ones that are still standing made me think about why they're still here. What qualities do they have that the others were lacking? Or what about the ones that are wobbly... What do I, a reflective personality, need to do in order to make them stable? Do I give up? Are they worth it? Like I said, I don't know anything for certain. I can count on one hand the number of things I'm absolutely certain of.

For now, let it fester and bottle up, and allow me to plea guilty for not being genuinely close with anyone.