I have "Crazy Bitch Syndrome", otherwise known as Borderline Personality Disorder.
The media attributes my disorder to abusive, destructive people, who are incapable of humane feelings and who cannot love. If that is what you think of when you think of BPD, I get it. To be honest, it was what I thought, too... until I found out what it actually was, and I got diagnosed with it.
There is no point in hiding it: relationships are difficult for me. Sometimes I would rather opt out of them entirely, and try not to drown in my loneliness, than deal with the struggle that comes with human contact. I have to deal with a constant, compulsive fear of abandonment, a slender monster that lives behind my back and tries to choke me when I am not expecting it. It thrives off my paranoia, and giggles as I push people away before they hurt me.
It is a little trick, ingenious, but incredibly dangerous. The monster behind my back wants people gone before they can decide to go. One might argue it is trying to protect me; but it is binding me, keeping me short of breath; it leaves me enough air to survive, but not enough to live.
Relationships are difficult, and fighting the urge of pushing people away in the fleeting belief that they would leave me anyway is an overwhelming effort. However, I have come to learn that some people are stubborn enough not to let go of me, even if I try. Some people do not fall for the monster behind my back.
Those are the people that know, the ones that sense my fear, and that embrace it, because they find it, somewhat, beautiful. With every hug, with every kiss, with every "I'll be there", "I love you", "Let's go get coffee", the monster behind my back gets a little bit weaker. Those are the people I can count on, the ones that fight the monster with me, and even for me, when I am too weak to fight myself.
I can love, too. I love differently and I do not love easy. I love intensely, as deeply as the ocean, and with everything I have. I love tight during windy nights and I love safe when nightmares come by. I love scared when my demons haunt me, I love close when it's cold... and even when it's warm.
I need to hear I am not alone, I need help with my fights. I need to hear I will make it this time too, I need to be loved when it's 3 in the morning and the monsters won't leave me alone. But I give everything I have in return.
I never love bland, I love unforgettable. I know how to love. I can love, too.
