He may not have hit me, but he still made me feel abused in so many forms.
He did not hit me, but he did lower my self esteem every single minute I was with him.
Being with him made me feel like I was floating on cloud nine, I loved him so much. I allowed myself to open up to him and see all my roots and petals as I blossomed more with him. As the months progressed, I slowly started realizing that I was no longer on cloud nine, but below the ground. Everyday I spent with him he made me realize that cloud nine is imaginary and will never be a place I can permanently stay; it was a vacation.
Being with him made me realize that I was not receiving the love that I truly deserved.
Of course, when you first are with someone you go through the puppy love stage for a few months... And boy, was a puppy on it’s hind legs.
The love I gave him would blow everyone's mind more than how my mind is blown up with stupid regrets. I gave him my all and I thought I got his all, but all I got were the crumbs that fall on the carpet that people forget to clean up. He may not have hit me, but he made it almost impossible to breathe without gasping for air.
He may not have hit me, but…
He always made sure I was never going out with my friends.
He always told me which friends I was allowed to hang out with and when.
He made sure to remind me everyday how awful my life would be without him. He constantly told me I needed him to survive.
He would tell me constantly how no one would love me enough to truly stay, and he loved me.
He said that him yelling at me was his way to express his emotions towards me...
“Babe, I yelled at you because I just care so much about you.”
He would threaten to harm himself in anyway whenever I got the strength to speak up and try to leave.
That doesn't mean he won't..
He may not have hit me, but he would tell me I should be lucky he doesn’t.
You see, living with all this baggage eventually gets you to a point where you yourself do not want to even be breathing anymore. That’s right, he had me to the point where I thought taking my life away was better than EVER dealing with this abuse ever again. Everyone thinks that just because I was smiling in public with him, that I was still on cloud nine. What no one knew is that smile was begging for someone to help me get the strength I needed…That smile, got me to where I am today. Sadly, a person never forgets the awful moments they spent in that relationship..they stay forever.
I will never forget the way my mind thinks now, and for that, he is to blame.
He may have never hit me...
Love,
The Girl Who Still Loved You
