In sixth grade, I decided to audition for my first musical. It was through a local children's musical theatre, they were doing The Jungle Book for the younger kids and Westside Story for older. I decided that if I did Jungle Book I'd be more likely to get a part. So I practiced my audition song and prepared for at the time the hardest thing I'd done. My mom brought me to auditions which were held at a closed grocery store. I waited and waited for hours finally it was my turn.

I entered what used to be the walk-in refrigerator with four other people and stared at the director. I did not sing the song I prepared, I froze up and cried. She came down, gave me a hug and said I could still be in the show. My mom took me home and I knew I had wasted everyone’s time which made me cry more. I was so disappointed in myself and honestly had no idea why that had happened.

I had done theatre before the Jungle Book audition fiasco. In second grade I was the lead in the first and second grade play and in fourth I was a supporting character in the school play. Both times I had gotten exactly the part I had wanted and had the time of my life performing. Both times the roles had been given to me without me having to put in any work. I did not realize that until recently.

I decided to continue with Jungle Book, I played a wolf and an elephant, made some friends, gained a lot of confidence, and affirmed my love of theatre. The next show that this theatre company did was Scrooge. I knew I wanted a speaking part. So once again I prepared my song until it was perfect and walked onto the stage to audition. I did a good job and got a callback. Ecstatic, I prepared for the callback, and with my newfound confidence I got a second one. I was called back as Mrs. Cratchit. The part ended up going to a girl who did not get called back but had more experience and had been involved in the company for a long time. I was given the role of a shop owner. I had one line and it was skipped every night.

The next show was Aladdin. I was once again a chorus member. The love of theatre was quickly diminishing and I began to wonder if I was any good. At the end of the run I was awarded best chorus member, filled with pride and excitement, I was sure that the next show I could finally get a speaking part. I did not.

I took a break from theatre my freshman year. I was tired of getting told no. I was tired of always feeling inadequate and being compared to other people who were more talented than me. It felt like a personal attack each time I did not get a part I thought I deserved. It made me question why I was doing this - the long hours of hell week, the strain on my voice, the stress, and everything that went into performing.

Sophomore year I auditioned for my high school’s drama club. They were doing The Wizard Of Oz, which is one of my favorite shows. I am short and have brown hair and a soprano voice, so naturally I thought that I would be cast as Dorothy. I was not. I was a chorus member yet again, but I realized that just because I thought I fit a part or thought that I deserved it didn’t mean that I always did. I realized that I needed to work harder, show the directors what I could do, practice, and practice, and practice, network, and become committed to making it.

The next show my high school did was Arsenic And Old Lace. It was my first non-musical. I was cast as a police officer - a small part, but one of my favorites. I made it my mission to walk, talk, and act the the best manly police officer there was. I learned my lines quickly and took direction. I felt empowered when I performed because for the first time, the audience was seeing and hearing just me instead of me in a sea of the chorus.

Junior year, things turned completely around. I was drama captain and the lead in the musical Guys And Dolls. The trend continued senior year when I was Lucy in You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown. Both roles were so fun and so much work. I never felt that they were just handed to me because I had put in my time and made friends with the director, but because I had talent and I had put in the work to use it.

Senior year I also joined a local theatre company and fell in love. I had enjoyed theatre before, but until my first show at the Historic Port Gamble Theater, I did not love it. I was cast as Aunt Dete in Heidi. This was my most challenging role because it went against everything in my nature to yell at the adorable girl playing Heidi. I had to be mean - vicious even. My director tried everything. Even though he never got me to be as mean as he wanted, I learned more about acting than ever before. I became a part of the theatre’s family and learned not only how to act better, but how to run a theatre and be a better person. I became more determined than ever to become a professional actor. My director inspired me and convinced me that it was possible.

And yet when I came to Beloit, I was back where I started. I auditioned for RENT, I was as nervous as could be and did not perform my best. I could not focus and take the advise I had been given. I was too worried what this new director would think of me. It is always intimidating to put yourself out and have people judge and rank you, but I knew what I was getting into. I was not even called back, and it crushed me. Realistically, I knew that as a freshman I wouldn’t be getting a lead, but I absolutely expected to be in the cast.

It made me revaluate where I stood as an actor. I needed to be told no to push me farther. A few years ago, I would have taken it completely personally. I realize now that the director had nothing against me. How could he? He didn’t even know me. I just was not what he was looking for, not best for the part, or not confident enough to pull off this show. I reminded myself that I can audition again for other shows, I can practice and get better, and once that happens I can find my home in this theatre department. Auditioning does not get easier, nor does getting rejected, but what you can change is how you respond to the casting decisions. Theatre is work, acting is a profession and a difficult one, but I am still inspired to make it.

After all, there truly is no business like show business.