“I brunch. You brunch. He she we brunch, brunching, brunchology, the study of brunch…come on Spongebob, this is first grade!”
As the times change, so do the definitions of words. Over the course of my college years, I’ve gotten to witness the dramatic change in definition of one word in particular, brunch. Growing up, I remember it as a word of innocence as— noun, a concoction of both breakfast and lunch, served after breakfast but before lunch.
Most notably, not only did its meaning change, so did its part of speech. Brunch is no longer a noun, it is a verb. To brunch (verb) is the action of drinking excessively all day starting with bottomless brunch (noun) typically served between the hours of 11:00 and 3:00 pm.
Brunch is not something to be taken lightly. Therefore, I’ve created a for dummies guide to brunch highlighting the do’s, don’t, and common procedures to help you make the most of brunching. We will refer to them as the ten commandments of brunch and they go as follows:
Brunch's Ten Commandments
1. Do not repeat brunch venues. It is unwise to go the same brunch place more than once and should be avoided when possible.
2. At least one person cries. Typically, this is someone in your party, however, occasionally it is the brunch staff.
3. There is no winners or losers. Unless you cry. Then you lose.
4. Honesty is the best only policy. At brunch— secrets, secrets are no fun unless you share them with everyone. Whatever it is that you never wanted that person sitting to your right to know — surprise! — you just told them.
Consult a journal or call your therapist. It is best to confront your feelings and emotions before getting inebriated. Take it from someone who knows.
5. It is a judgement free zone. What happens at brunch stays at brunch. Or so it is said. This brunch ‘rule-of-thumb’ was founded on the premise that you probably won't remember that ‘judge-worthy thing Dave is doing’ in the morning anyway.
True in theory. Not in practice.
6. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. To my friend, Dave, who once created the Elite Four— good brunch ally, bad secret handshake.
7. So you want to order something healthy? Get out. So yeah, I guess we do judge.
The ratio of champagne to orange juice in your mimosa is always 75:25.
8. Take pictures they will last longer. Probably the only thing that will last.
INSTA THAT S***. Or don’t.
..actually don’t—burn evidence.
9. Expect the unexpected.
Know your rights.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
TLC’s way of saying ‘people chase intangible dreams with no thought of the consequences’ but my way of saying don’t do anything [too] stupid.
10. Always write a good yelp review.Let's build cities, not start wars.
And there you have it folks. The complete wumbology of brunch.
"Patrick, I will never doubt you again"
