Broken, Yet Smiling

Broken, Yet Smiling

The saddest people are often the people who know the importance of a smile.

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Most of the time, we will display to the world the type of person we want them to see. We appear happy, optimistic, we laugh, we play, we have a jolly good time. I think more often than not, it can be really easy to keep up this act, even when our hearts are broken into a million pieces. Why do we do this though? Why do we pretend to be something that we are not? I for one, think that there can be both good and bad things with doing this, and will speak of them here.

The Good:

Know the saying "practice makes perfect"? OF COURSE YOU DO, we all do. Our parents barraged us with the darn saying all the time. At least mine did. Anyway, this saying does have truth to it. (Thanks mom and dad.) I believe that as we put effort into changing our attitudes towards more positive things, that slowly, over time, our attitudes can change to fit that persona. We slowly become the person that we are pretending to be.

Of course, it isn't to be said that simply pretending to be happy will have all of the desired effects of making us happy, but it can be something that contributes to our happiness. Being happy takes a lot of work, and every little thing helps. We cannot just rely on one or two things in order to be happy, we have to build a network of small things that intertwine, so that when one thing goes wrong, we still have a 100 little reasons to be happy. I promise you that if you take the time to list off the things you have to be thankful for, the list will go on and on, surprising you.

The Bad:

Well, not everything IS ok all the time. Being sad is simply a part of life. If we pretend to be happy so much, that we don't even confide in people we trust and tell no one about our struggles, all of our bottled up feelings can tend to explode in horrible displays. No one is without pain, and keeping that pain locked up is one of the leading causes of more pain, at least this has been my experience. Maybe you find that when you bottle things up, you are better off? Maybe? Probably not. Try to be happy, and smile, but don't bottle up your feelings and hurt yourself.

In conclusion, I would just like to say that the way we perceive people is often not how that person perceives themselves, nor would I say it is always who they really are. When you look at someone, try to see them for who they really are, not for who you want them to be. Life isn't black and white, we are all complex beings with complex makeups. Don't stereotype, don't assume, and don't hold bias. I hope you can strive to be happy with me, even though we are all broken a little inside.

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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Why I Write For Odyssey

I love Odyssey for so many reasons and here is why I stay

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I started writing for Odyssey at my old school back in the way beginning of Spring 2018. It's been a little over a year of love and support and I wouldn't change that for anything. I applied to write for Odyssey way back when because I've always had a passion for writing and getting my voice out there.

Odyssey, you've given me so many opportunities and blessings that I can't thank you enough for. A while back I wrote an article that hit over 5,000 views and because of that thoughtcatalog contacted me asking me to write for them. For those of you that don't know about thoughtcatalog, it's a website that has over 25 million visitors monthly. Therefore, my writing was getting even more recognition than I ever thought imaginable, and that's all thanks to Odyssey and the amazing editors and presidents I've had.

When I started writing for FGCU odyssey, I got so much support from my team outmost importantly my president. It was such a welcoming environment where for the first time I knew my voice was being heard and welcomed. Then, I switched over to USF odyssey and I got that same loving and welcoming environment.

Odyssey has given me a platform to not only reach others but to also vent. If we're being honest, a lot of my articles are basically about me talking about my problems or problems I see with certain things in todays world. So, thank you Odyssey for being my therapist most days.

One of the best feelings in the world is when people reach out to me privately about how one of my articles helped them get through something or let them know that they're not alone. I absolutely love that. It's such a beautiful gift to be able to help others through writing. Without odyssey I wouldn't have ever gotten to know that feeling.

The encouragement that I got from people who have read my work on Odyssey has inspired me to continue my writing throughout my life by writing books. No, I'm not writing books with the intent of them getting published but rather for my own personal enjoyment. I've always wanted to write books and stories but have never had the confidence in my writing like I do now. Thank you Odyssey for everything you've done for me and continue to do for me.

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