"You're an artist and a potter, I'm the canvas and the clay."

"God,

I hear these words and immediately my heart breaks. I have no words for how I feel most days. I am so confused God. I know you love me and you DO work all things together for my good. But God, how can this be for my good? Why do I wake up every day battling an attraction that I have no control over. I don't understand and I know we aren't meant to. God, I don't understand.

It feels like I am tied to trucks going opposite directions and every day, my insides are ripped further and further apart. I want to be like Abraham and submit to your will. I desperately want to be obedient to everything you have for me and my life. But at the same time, I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my days on this earth. And truly no one understands until they have walked this.

I'm caught between "live your life and be happy," and "you have to stay away from these feelings and not give in to temptation." I have found myself questioning a lot lately. Questioning you; questioning your goodness; questioning my life purpose; questioning where I see my life in 10, 15, 20 years down the road. I love you and I am terrified to make the wrong decisions. But what is the point of it if at the end of the day my reasoning is "this is what I am supposed to do,"? My heart isn't in the right place at that point and then it becomes about legalism and not our relationship. What's the point of following your will in this aspect of life if this is the one aspect that continues to push me further and further away from you.

I have tried God. I have tried for the past 2 years. And I still wind up at this place every. single. time. I wish you could come to earth and tell me what to do just this one time. And i wouldn't question it any further."

Sincerely,

Your Broken and Hurting Child.

This is a conversation I have had far too often with God in times where all I see is complete darkness around me. This is an area of life that for a long time, I have been fearful to speak about, much less let others see my raw and honest thoughts about. Growing up in South Georgia, same-sex attraction isn't a topic we typically discuss openly in church. But during my time in ministry over the past two years, we have continuously pushed this idea of being open and honest within our ministry. How can I expect others to be honest with me when I'm not being honest back.

At the beginning of quarantine, I listened to a sermon where the pastor was speaking about David and his circumstance while he was hiding out from King Saul. The pastor pointed out that these circumstances sucked for David but we see a beautiful picture of how David handled these sucky situations. David chose to GET REAL with God. He poured out his heart to the Lord - the good and the bad. The pastor stated, "when you process with God, you invite God into the process." We have to get real with God in our brokenness and sucky situations. God loves each and every one of his children and He WANTS to know our hearts. He longs to see our ugly cries because only when we admit that we are broken can we begin the process of being made whole.

I have been reading a book called "The End of Me" and in chapter two, it outlines this idea of admitting our brokenness to be made whole. This idea hit me like a ton of bricks and my heart wept as I read this chapter. Often times, we as christians tend to go around and put on this front like we have our lives together and everything in our world is perfect when in reality it's falling apart. Only when we admit our brokenness can we allow God then to fix these areas of our lives and allow restoration. We can't do this life on our own, and we NEED God to guide us through it. When we try to do everything in our own power, ultimately WE FAIL. Trust me, I've tried. So this is me being open, honest, and raw admitting the areas of life I am broken in. It sucks. It hurts, and I don't know that there will ever be a day that I don't feel like I am being ripped apart. But that's okay. I picture my life in the future and I don't know where I will end up, who I will marry, or if I will even get married. I don't know if I'll one day have kids of my own, or if I'll grow old denying some part of myself.

What I do know is this. I am CHOOSING to invite God into the process because I know He in fact DOES work everything for my good. He IS the potter and I AM the clay. He is shaping my life to look exactly how it is supposed to look, and so for now, I CHOOSE to wait. I CHOOSE to pray. I CHOOSE to follow. Through the good and the bad; through the sucky, sticky situation; through the mountain tops and darkest valleys because there is PURPOSE IN THE PAIN we experience.

-A