Why do we continuously go back to the ones who completely fucked us over and potentially hardened our hearts for the rest of eternity? I’d really like to know.

And I don’t know about you guys, but why is it that when you finally get something good, everything turns to utter shit?

Questions I ask myself on the daily.

I lost my virginity at the ripe age of 15, to a 19-year-old. I was head over heels for this kid, he was my first everything. He crosses my mind every single day – but not because we are still totally in love – because he ruined me. We stayed together for two years, which for a young teenage girl felt like a huge deal. When we broke up, he quickly moved on to the next and I was left pondering the many ways I thought I had gone wrong. It wasn’t my fault. Hell, I’m not really sure it’s even his fault. I just don’t think we were compatible. Nonetheless, my groundwork for relationships had been skewed forever.

Many one-night stands and week-long flings went by before I began a relationship with my next (and last to this point) boyfriend. We dated six months, against all odds of it even lasting that long. Neither of our families were very fond of one another, but we had been bitten by that damn love-bug hard and right on the ass. We were inseparable, but my past quickly got in the way of our bliss. He was a virgin, and I already had 8 names scratched on my bed post. Jealousy and disagreements eventually drove us apart.

I’d like to turn this article around to a happy-go-lucky “don’t worry ladies, you’ll find the right one eventually – I did” story and give you the details of an amazing relationship I’m currently in but that just isn’t the case.

I’m a full-time student with a part time job, who hates having meaningless sex but finds the time for it anyways for brief moments of intimacy that end up making me slash my wrist at the end of the night. I settle for people that don’t love me or even care for my well-being for a few minutes of foreplay and pleasure - and if I’m lucky, some cuddling afterwards. I blame a lot of it on boys and my hopeless addiction to swiping right on Tinder, but really, it’s just me.

I don’t have the respect for myself to think I deserve more than what I receive – and God is that dangerous. My future looks bleak, getting accidentally knocked up by some one—night stand that won’t want to stick around but will marry me out of guilt. I can see it now – lonely nights taking care of the baby while my shitbag of a husband is “out with his buddies” getting laid by girls far younger and prettier than I am. Always wondering what my life had been like if I had done this whole ‘life’ thing by the books.