I finished my classes a couple weeks ago. I even passed all of them, despite the sudden switch to remote learning and an unexpected flare of my chronic illness before finals. I should feel a sense of achievement, right? The fact is... I just don't.
Maybe it's the fact that there was no ceremony. There will be (hopefully) in November, since my school was kind enough to postpone instead of cancel, but what about until then? Sure, those things can get boring real quick from what I remember of my high school graduation, but you feel good about yourself. And no senior week either... Maybe I would have preferred a trip to Disney World, or even New York City over Atlantic City, and maybe I would have gotten bored halfway through the Senior Ball, but... Four years of work just to be sent home? Not everyone can recreate any of that on their own, you know, and who knows how long this is going to last?
Maybe I'm not that optimistic about the future. A year ago, I was. I was well, I got to experience more freedom than I'd ever known somewhere where I've always wanted to go. But now... Once again, my chronic illness had flared after years of remission. While I'm lucky enough to stay on my parents' healthcare, I know I can't stay on it forever, and this country's system isn't exactly kind to those with pre-existing conditions... I'm scared of becoming one of those sick people who has to lose most of their paycheck to medical bills and be stuck in a job and/or place I hate for halfway decent insurance. All the more reason to leave the country when I'm able...
Of course, speaking of jobs, at least I could have been optimistic about jobs... Yes, you can do something with a BA in English besides teach. Believe me, I'd LOVE a real job. Not just for the money, but for experience and simply SOMETHING TO DO. Still, of course the virus had to come and ruin everything. People are always looking for essential workers, but with the medications I'm taking (Two immunosuppresants, one for treatment, the other for prevention), it would be dangerous for me. Not only could I more easily contract the virus, but any kind of big immune flare could trigger my illness, thus knocking me off my feet for at least a week. Pain-inducing fluid abiding by gravity and fatigue from lack of protein are no joke... For the time being, I'd have to work remotely, but I'm still trying to find something. Of course, even online it's not easy, this isn't the Sims where you could just walk in anywhere and poof! You're employed, but... Whatever. I'm not looking forward to being grilled about work and what I'm going to do. I want to work. Truly, I do, just let me find something I could reasonably do, and let them hire me.
I guess I don't see an end to this. Not that I see this never ending, but maybe not in the near future, as much as I'm scared. And people in MY CITY, that while imperfect, I thought still somewhat reasonable are whining because they want to go out. Look, okay, yes, I get it, small businesses are suffering, but those people who want haircuts or to get their nails done or anything like that? We have bigger problems, shut up. I'd also seen a couple of post floating around how the immunocompromised should just stay in and let other people go about their business. I say to that, as someone who is, NO. We're human beings, and I say personally that I'm not going to lock myself away from the world for your benefit, especially if you won't do the same for mine. I've only left twice in weeks, both times for essential lab work, and that, combined with any psychological side effects of my medication is getting to me. Right now, being locked away is the last thing I want. I want to live my life, but it seems once again, an illness is stopping me. Only now, when people should care for once, it seems like nobody does.
