You,

We’re breaking up… again.

This might be the third time, but honesty I’ve lost count.

We broke up over a year ago, but we never stopped “dating”. After we broke up, I fell more in love with you. Two weeks after, I even went to visit you. That has basically been our relationship for the past year, with the exception of a few times when we stopped talking and I thought I was over you.

Then just like that, you would call me again out of the blue, and I would fall back into your trap. I feel like you could always sense it the second I was beginning to get over you. That was awful, but what was even worse was when you said, “We’ll be together when we’re not in two different places”, giving me something to look forward to. Whether you intend to or not, you give me just enough to keep hanging around, but I always end up getting hurt by it all in the end.

It has been so hard for me to move on from our relationship because I know you inside and out. I stuck with you through everything. Maybe I just see who you really are deep down, or maybe I’m just not strong enough to stand up and say, “I’m done”.

You rarely understood why I constantly felt hurt by you, but that’s just because you don’t want to be the bad guy. It never mattered how many times I poured my heart out and told you what I felt. You’d hear the words, but nothing would ever change. Until now, I was expecting things to be different and have been waiting for the day we got back together.

At this point, you’re aiming a gun at me, but I’m pulling the trigger myself. I should know better by now. I should know what to expect.

I gave you nothing but my all, even when you treated me like dirt, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

Through the good and bad, you still truly are one of my best friends and I never want to lose that. We know each other better than we each know ourselves and that’s what makes it so hard to continuously watch you not choose me.

You’re not an awful human being. You’re just complicated and young. With everything that has happened, I don’t think you’re a bad guy, I just think you’ve taken on the role as the bad guy for right now.

But I’m worth more than this limbo stage we’re in right now.

I don’t deserve being treated like your back-up plan, spending absurd amounts of money on bus tickets to see you and having you cancel as I’m on the way to the station.

I don’t deserve a week of anticipation to visit you, and showing up and being told I should leave because you didn’t want to be responsible for me.

I don’t deserve feeling like your second choice, when you’ve always been my first.

And you don’t deserve me.

So thank you.

Thanks for teaching me that it is okay to have loved and lost.

Thanks for helping me understand that I was never the problem; you just needed something familiar, someone to count on.

Thanks for making me realize that although I’ll miss you, I’m better off.

With love,

Me