Dear Monday,

You were my first (day of the week, that is). You have a special place in this world, and I believe you have potential… but whatever we’re doing right now—yeah, that’s over.

Please don’t take this personally. Actually, you should take it personally because it’s not me, it’s you.

It is just that I hate you.

I feel like I have to try so hard. I put in so much work, but get nothing in return. You are so frustrating at times, you make me want to slam my head against a wall. You come too quick, you’re bossy, you always make me put on pants, and you don’t make me feel sexy.

Our relationship is toxic. Every time I see you, I feel down about myself. You don’t make me feel pretty, smart, or confident. You just make me tired and sad. You’ve been in my life for over 20 years, and it doesn’t get any easier. I am really tired of putting up with your crap.

I feel like you should know I’ve been seeing other days of the week. My rebound is Tuesday, I enjoy hump day, Thursday is nice, and I’m constantly fantasizing about Friday. Not to mention Saturday and Sunday, don’t even get me started on those two. Especially Saturday; I guess I’m just into the crazy ones.

I understand I can’t just exterminate you from my life, I know that you will always be there for me, but I think it would be better for my mental and physical health if we just politely ignore each other from now on.

Don’t be sad, I’m sure there is someone out there who enjoys your company. That someone just isn’t me. I will still see you around, we can still be civil and have coffee, but I’m afraid I just do not want you to have a significant part in my life.

Sincerely, your tired and grumpy acquaintance,

everybody in the whole world.

We hate you.

You suck.